A lickable/forceable/pleasureable morning

Only half of the school day has is over, yet it has already been an eventful morning. One of my troublemaker boys who I can't help but like walked into the room at 8:30 singing the Ludacris classic "What's Your Fantasy." There's nothing so touching as an 8-year old starting the day singing "I wanna lick lick lick lick you from your head to your toes and I wanna move from the bed down to the down to the to the floor."

Later some students were working on making PowerPoints for some Native American stories they have been reading. As I was walking back and forth something jumped out at me when a girl was writing a summary of the book. She was in the process of typing "The coyote raped the bear..." When I asked her what her sentence was going to say she said "The coyote wrapped the bear up in the blanket she had made." Nothing like a little Algonquian Tribe: Special Victims Unit.

Then just now as I went to the infamous restroom after drinking one too many cups of coffee this morning I watched as a second grader put soap on his hands and then proceeded to put the hand down his pants. I'm not sure if he was using it as a lubricant to pleasure himself or if his balls just needed a good scrubbing. Rather than interrupting him, I tiptoed out and headed to down to the first grade restroom which was far more G-rated.

Tick tock

Thankfully it's almost the end of the day, and Thanksgiving break couldn't come soon enough. Here's a recap of my school day:

* One of my students came up to me in the hall first thing this morning and gave me a hug. However, it was one of those side hugs where unfortunately as he was wrapping his arms around me he managed to grab my butt and my balls at the same time.

* Today we were reading a story about Squanto and how he was sold into slavery early on in Spain. One girl raised her hand and said that her aunt lives in the Phillippines where they eat rice and baby ducks. When I asked her what this had to do with the story, she thought for a moment and said "Oh nothing really."

* This afternoon I walked into the boys restroom to find a boy with his sweatpants down to his ankles with his ghostly white rear showing for all to see. To make matters worse he would pee a little bit in one urinal, pinch his penis to stop the flow, and move on to continue the journey to the next urinal. It almost had a rhythm to it that I kept waiting for a grieving Kanye to come lay down a verse about his mom.

* As if one bathroom tale wasn't enough, later on I went back in there to check on a boy who had been in there longer than an exntended episode of Grey's Anatomy. As I turned the corner I saw him on his knees over the toilet bowl in the instantly recognizable I'll-know-next-time-not-to-order-the-smothered-burrito-at-Fiesta-Ranchera vomit position. I asked him if he was okay to which he replied "I dropped my glasses in the toilet." I stepped forward to get a better view and discovered that they were way down there hiding in the darkened cave part of the toilet. Since water was already dripping off his arms I told him to try again. But as luck would have it he couldn't reach them. So like any good teacher I looked for the crazy janitor. She was nowhere in sight. So I retreated back to the restroom, pulled up my sleeves, and reached in, praying that I wouldn't discover a lost turd. The glasses were saved and now only smell faintly like the port-a-potties at the Heart of Illinois Fair.

So I'm sitting here counting down the remaining minutes of the day as Play Doh goes flying through the air. After today neon green Play Doh mashed into the carpet is the least of my concerns.

Do you smell something burning?

Today we had to return our books to the school library. One of the girls in my class said she didn't have hers. When I asked her where it was she said it was over at her dad's. Then she proceeded to add that she didn't know when she would be back over there. Before I could ask why not, she stated "My mom and dad aren't allowed to talk to each other because the other night she get really mad at him and set his car on fire." I didn't ask but I'm hoping the library book wasn't left inside the vehicle. A charred copy of Charlotte's Web anyone?

Dinger envy

This afternoon we were doing a reading activity where the students had to find words in the passage that fell into a certain category. One of the columns was "Words that end in -inger." Students listed words like singer, ringer, finger, and stinger. One of the boys raised his hand and asked if he could also write down other words that weren't in the story. I agreed and then tried to think of some others. All I could come up with were zinger and swinger. A few minutes later when we were writing them on the board the boy raised his hand, confident that he had come up with something that no one else had. I called on him and he said "dinger." I tried to explain to him that it wasn't a word but he stood steadfast in his choice. I asked him if he could use it in a sentence so I could get some idea of what he meant by it. He smiled and said "My dad has a big dinger" before he burst into laughter. Most teachers would send him to the office, but I just chuckled and said that it was time to move on from his dad's dinger. It should make for an interesting parent/teacher conference next Thursday.

Rut-ro Shaggy

Yesterday for our class Halloween party one of the girls came to school saying that she couldn't find her costume at home anywhere. I assured her that she didn't need a costume and that we'd make sure that she still had a good time. (Awww, here's my Golden Apple). As the party progressed the costumes began to make them hot and itchy, so a few students asked if they could change back into their regular clothes. When one of the girls came back from the restroom she offered to let the girl without a costume wear her Scooby Doo costume for a while. She was really excited and ran down the hall to change into it. How I used to love the old Scooby Doo cartoons as a kid, but when she returned I noticed something that I had never spotted in all those Saturday mornings. She still sported the perky ears, curved tail, and oversized black nose, but it was the appendage between her legs that caught me off guard. I don't recall Scooby Doo having a thin, blue penis. I guess that's what happens when you eat too many Scooby Snacks.

Truly scary

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Rocket man

So last night I got to go to the Elton John show in Moline at the last minute. My stepmom got struck with yet another imaginary sickness that leaves her debilitated for six months. Dad needed someone to go so I swooped down for her $92 seat. Thanks DD. The show itself was great from start to finish even though Elton continually reminds you that he's getting up there in age. He now has a teleprompter discreetly fastened to his piano that scrolled through the lyrics all night. Also, at one point he tried to climb atop the piano and failed miserably. Kids, let this be a lesson to you to avoid drugs, alcohol, and eating a 20 piece bucket of KFC all by yourself.

The crowd was a diverse lot. I can only sum it up as a combination of a hospital volunteers meeting (people more than twice my age), a dinner party at Tim Gunn's place in Greenwich Village (upper-class gay men), and a Hillary Clinton campaign rally (idiots). A woman behind us reeked of cat pee and tequila. I didn't know whether to change her litter box or do a body shot off of her. An older gentleman in front of us leaned over to his wife at the start of every single song to ask her what song it was. It was like going to the opera with Marlee Matlin. I don't mean to be a musical snob, but if you can't hear the lyrics "Goodbye Norma Jean" and not figure out that it's Candle in the Wind, under which rock have you been hiding the last 40 years? There was another guy in the section over from us that looked like he should be reporting to Soldier Field for tomorrow's game. This guy was massive. I noticed as the concert went on he kept knocking back these fruity drinks. The more cocktails he had in him, the higher his arms went in the air. By the halfway point in the concert he was punching his fist in the air at every single note. That works if you're rocking out to Livin' On A Prayer. Not so much if the song is Daniel. After Elton took his final bows of the evening and the crowd dispersed, he walked past us sobbing, tears streaming down his face. "That was amazing!" he blubbered. Maybe powderpuff football is more his style. Next time lay off the cosmos, Carrie Bradshaw.

Set List
Funeral For A Friend/Love Lies Bleeding
The Bitch Is Back
Madman Across The Water
Tiny Dancer
Levon
Believe
Take Me To The Pilot
Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
Daniel
Rocket Man
Honky Cat
Someone Saved My Life Tonight
I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues
Burn Down The Mission
The Bridge
Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word
Candle in the Wind
Bennie and the Jets
Philadelphia Freedom
Sad Songs (Say So Much)
I'm Still Standing
Crocodile Rock
Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting

Encore
Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me
Your Song

Hi Chris!

Since the beginning of the school year every time I pass a first grade boy he always calls out "Hi Chris!" The first couple of times I just ignored him, thinking he was greeting someone else. But after he kept doing it I realized that he thought that was my name. So I just began saying hi to him every time our paths crossed in the hall. Today he was heading to the cafeteria as my class was getting ready to come back from there. I said hello to him as I ducked into the restroom. I sat down to go about my business when thirty seconds later his head poked under the partition. "Hi Chris!" he exclaimed with a huge smile on his face as though this is the most natural place for a conversation. Senator Larry Craig I'm not. All I could come up with was "I think you're supposed to be eating lunch right now buddy." He looked back at me with an "Oh ya" expression before saying goodbye. Let's just hope he doesn't go home tonight talking about seeing Chris' weiner.

Ready for our close-ups

When artists sign up for network television specials they start out by looking for a venue that is renowned in the music business. Elton John filmed a concert at the Sydney Opera House. DMB filmed at Red Rocks Amphitheatre. Back in the day The Doors recorded their show at the Hollywood Bowl. Even Timberlake scooped up Madison Square Garden for his recent HBO show. So naturally when Martina McBride was looking for a venue for her own TV special she looked no further than the legendary iWireless Center in Moline.

You know it's going to be a good night when the two women who sit down in front of you immediately spill beer on the head of the snooty woman in front of them before the concert even begins. For me it makes the whole trip worthwhile. In all honesty the two women were two of the oddest ducks I've ever seen. As the night wore on their behavior became ever weirder. To make matters worse one (or both) of them had a strange, pungent odor that permiated the space around them. Rachel and I couldn't figure out if it originated from their underarms, feet, or some other section of the body. I must admit that the blonde woman was a little stranger than her more masculine friend. Some of her friends had seats on the floor and whenever she wanted to get their attention she would let loose with an ear-piercing "Ca caw! Ca caw!" like a wild bird of prey.

When the concert began and Martina rose from below the stage she started bawling and continued through the entire song. She veered from one emotion to the next throughout the show. The next minute she was spastic acting like she was going to rip open her shirt and show us her McBoobies. At one point she and her friend started singing loudly and dancing with one another. The camera guy couldn't get there quick enough to capture the moment. I pray that it makes it on the air so you can see Rach and I giggling in the background. Truth be told anytime the camera was around I burst out in song like it was my American Idol audtition. Rachel had to remind me that some lyrics just look wrong coming out of a guy's mouth. Hopefully they leave me singing "He thinks I'm pretty. He thinks I'm smart" on the cutting room floor. Near the end of the show another one of blondie's friends came over to join in the festivities. I missed a song or two because I couldn't take my eyes off the woman's breasts. Location-wise, they were the highest mammary glands I'd ever seen. They were basically shooting out of her neck. Bet you don't see that at Radio City Music Hall.

Set List
Anyway
When God-Fearin' Women Get The Blues
Wild Angels
My Baby Loves Me
Tryin' To Find A Reason
How I Feel
Happy Girl
(I Never Promised You A) Rose Garden
You Ain't Woman Enough
Help Me Make It Through The Night
Where Would You Be
Concrete Angel
For These Times
Love's The Only House
Blessed
This One's For The Girls
A Broken Wing
Independence Day

Encore
Don't Stop Believin'
Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Post-Taping Set
It's My Time
Cry Cry (Till The Sun Shines)
She's A Butterfly
Safe in the Arms of Love
Ashes
If I Had Your Name
Whatever You Say
Phones Are Ringin' All Over Town
Cheap Whiskey
Heartaches By The Number
I'll Still Be Me
Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Next time hold the mayo

This afternoon Rachel sent Ella and I on a simple task: run to the store and get a jar of mayonaise for a recipe she was making for tonight. We head to the store and pick up the mayo with some other odds and ends (pizza, canned vegetables, soda, Easy Mac). Ella helps me load them on to the conveyor belt and the cashier starts scanning the items. As the woman is scanning a can of green beans Ella turns to her and says "Daddy poopied on the potty. Daddy wiped his bum. Stinky." I was tempted to just lay down $20, grab the two bags, and high-tail it out of there. The lady just smiled, continued scanning, and informed me of my total. Thankfully I wasn't purchasing toilet paper or toilet bowl cleaner, so my ego was saved slightly. We returned home, put the groceries away, and took a dump.