Viva la vida

Throughout my years of going to concerts I’ve sat through some less than stellar opening acts (Vanilla Ice; Mandy Moore; Julio Iglesias, Jr.; a life-size Pop Tart that DJ’d). Last night at the Coldplay show in Chicago I endured two of the worst acts I’ve seen in a long time. The first was a guy named Jon Hopkins who I guess is some sort of musical prodigy from London. It basically consisted of him standing up there pushing a few buttons on his MacBook and making this crappy techno music. As an added bonus there was also a screen that showcased some anime that went along with the music. I mean at one point in the cartoon (c’mon, that’s all it is) a girl was crying and then her tears were sweeping people away into a forest of bunnies. In full disclosure, I’ll admit that techno and anime are on my list of things that I just don’t get, along with Raisin Bran, Dancing with the Stars, and nipple rings.

The second act was a woman named Santogold, which I think translates into “hooker with a cheap gold cape.” She brought with her what initially looked to be two female background vocalists. They stood behind microphones but never actually sang. They were more like spastic dancers that at times I thought were having seizures simultaneously. For some songs they would box with what must have been an imaginary friend. On other tracks they were adept at rapidly pushing their boobs in and out towards the crowd. Yes Hasselhoff, America’s definitely got talent.

Finally Coldplay took the stage and even exceeded my expectations. It was an amazing show from beginning to end. Normally when a band plays their new stuff that’s my excuse for a break to buy my t-shirt without a line. But I’ve gotta say that I’ve grown to love the songs from the new CD and in fact I think it’s actually their best overall album. I mean this comes from the guy who’s now on his third copy of A Rush of Blood after wearing out the first two from overplaying. My only slight gripe was the length of the show being only 90 minutes. When I pay almost $100 to be there I expect a concert that lasts longer than the season finale of “The Bachelorette.” That being said Chris Martin and company are the biggest band in the world right now and last night they proved why they deserve the title.

Set List
Life In Technicolor
Violet Hill
Clocks
In My Place
Viva La Vida
Yes
42
Fix You
Strawberry Swing
Chinese Sleep Chant
God Put A Smile Upon Your Face
Speed Of Sound
Yellow
Lost!
The Scientist
Death Will Never Conquer

Encore
Politik
Lovers In Japan
Death And All His Friends
The Escapist
Green Eyes

An R-rated grocery run

Tonight we made a quick run to Wal-Mart to pick up a few items, two of which were a couple gallons of milk. However, when we made our way to the dairy section in the back of the store they had plastic tarps covering up every inch of it. For added measure they had yellow caution tape streaming across the front of the milk cooler. I'm not sure what this was all about but I'm guessing they were either trying to isolate an Ebola-like virus like in that movie Outbreak or a sour cream container murdered a cup of that Activia yogurt that Jamie Lee Curtis likes so much.

One of the things we got were these wipes for Ella. She's quite independent and likes to go the bathroom by herself now. The only problem is she, um, doesn't always clean herself up completely. As the cashier was scanning them in the check-out, Ella told her "These are for wiping the poopy off my bum so it doesn't itch." I just looked down and shook my head but the man behind me in line felt compelled to add to the discussion. He looked at me and said "Oh buddy, my kids have said much worse things than that." I took him at his word when I looked at his t-shirt which read "Go f*** yourself you f***in' f***." My first thought was that Ella's poop disclosure wasn't such a big deal, while my second thought was when did that guy steal the t-shirt from my closet?

Observations from a visitation

Last night Rach and I went to a visitation for my stepmom's mother who passed away at the age of 93. She was a lovely lady so it's hard for me to understand how her children turned out to be such a bunch of spooks. My dad came over at one point and said that some of the siblings were arguing about who got to keep their mom's cat. Um, if no one objects I'd like to ask for custody of the litter box and the enclosed cat turds. I saw a couple of family members walking around the funeral home with 20 ounce bottles of Mountain Dew in their hands. I'm sure they thought that carrying around a bottle of Bud Light would be inappropriate. Only in Pekin.

It's always a strange thing to walk up to the casket, mostly because I don't usually recognize the person lying there. The lady had always had curly dark brown hair for as long as I can remember. Yet when we made our way to the open casket it looked like Strawberry Shortcake lying there. I last saw her in May but I don't recall her resembling Ronald McDonald's illegitimate daughter.

For most of the two hour visitation Rach and I sat near the back of the room with my aunt and uncle. Little did I know that we'd be spending our evening sitting behind the one of the most annoying seven year olds in the world. He kept telling the worst jokes in the world over and over again. It was like a prepubescent Joker without the scrawled on red makeup. Here's some of his favorite zingers:

What do you call a cookie? A chocolate chip!

What do clouds wear under their clothes? Thunderware!

After my dad had heard a few of them he went around the corner where the boy couldn't see him, lifted his tie into the air, and acted like he was hanging himself. Really appropriate, father.

A new look

If were to compile a list of things that I absolutely hate to do shaving would be close to the top. It would probably land somewhere between sitting on a wet toilet seat and watching a video on how they make hot dogs. When I'm on vacation it's one of the last things I'm interested in. If it were up to me I wouldn't shave my entire three month summer vacation. I'd be out there loud and proud at the ol' Wal-Mart sporting a long, luxurious beard like Tom Hanks in Cast Away. Rachel, on the other hand, wouldn't come near me for three months. (That would create some severe problems....if you know what I mean. Sorry. Couldn't resist.) She says it's like kissing a rotting Christmas tree. As of today I haven't shaved since last Monday. The amount of attention it's received you would think that I've streaked naked through holy communion at Westminster Abbey shouting obscene phrases about the Queen. Everyone seems to have to weigh in on it. Obama didn't even get grilled this much about his pastor. Well tomorrow we are getting family pictures taken so it's a no brainer that I have to shave begrudgingly. While the kids were in the bath tonight I started before getting interrupted by Liam's screaming. He thought that he needed an electric razor in the bath with him. Needless to say I only got halfway done before washing them both and getting them ready for bed. I kind of like this new look. I'm gonna spring it on Rach when she gets home from work and see if she'll let me keep it. Fingers crossed.

Late night snack

Tonight Rach and I were watching Jon And Kate Plus 8 (that's how we roll on a Monday night) when I started to get a little hungry. I had eaten a good dinner, yet I always get to that one point in the evening when my stomach starts to growl. Since going grocery shopping last Wednesday, I had eaten all of my snacks (salt and vinegar potato chips, Cheetohs, M & M's, gummy bears, rice pudding). I couldn't do another night of eating a bowl of Golden Crisp, which has been my standby for the last three evenings. My apologies my dear Sugar Bear. Knowing that I had a crisp $20 bill burning a hole in my wallet, I asked Rach if she wanted anything if I ran to pick something up. I gave her my four options: Taco Bell, McDonald's, Arby's, and Hardee's. She told me to pick her up a cheeseburger from McDonald's. While on the way there I couldn't shake my hankering for a roast beef sandwich from Arby's so I turned into their drive-thru before picking up Rachel's burger. I wish I could say that it was a quick trip but my indecisiveness caused me to make a stop at all four restaurants. Forty minutes later when I finally made it home I walked through the door with nachos from Taco Bell, a hamburger from McDonald's, a roast beef sandwich from Arby's, and bacon cheddar fries from Hardee's. Rach just shook her head in disbelief. For what it's worth I now have the world's worst heartburn as it feels like a dragon is breathing fire from the depths of my stomach. Maybe the nachos were just a bit too much.