Politically incorrect

Today we went on a field trip to Dickson Mounds, which is a Native American museum located in the middle of nowhere. It's so boring there that even the Indians would be begging for the white men to kill them and put them out of their misery. When we first arrived one of the boys pointed and said "Wow, look at those things!" As I turned to see what he was referring to I came face to face with a lifesize replica of an Indian woman without any stitch of clothing over her chest. What a nice boob shot ten seconds into the visit. We headed upstairs to hear about Native American artifacts. As the students were entering I told them to sit with their legs folded Indian style, which instantly I realized was the wrong choice of words. The woman giving the talk said "That is so disrespectful to our culture. We say criss-cross applesauce." However, I find that to be disrespectful to those brave apples who gave their lives to become a part of school lunches each day. Who's politically incorrect now? We later looked at the exhibits. (There's only so many arrowheads you can look at before you want to start jabbing them in your own eyeballs). We were told that when we finished with the exhibits to head into the large theater for another presentation. I opened the doors and led the students in only to be stopped ten seconds later by an irrate employee. "Who told you to come in here? This theater is closed for the time being," she griped. I explained that we were told to enter and she put her finger over her mouth as though to tell me to be quiet. As Kelly Ripa would say, that's a no-no. Don't treat me like a runny-nosed four-year old. Before I could be childish right back she added, "I don't really want to talk to you. I need the teacher." Perfect. I smiled right back and said, "Well that would be me. Michael Ritchason, nice to meet you" as I extended my hand. Refusing to take it she said a curt "Well you need to stay out of here" before hopping back on her broomstick and flying away.

Searching for nipples at Menards

A few days ago our water heater went out and has been leaking all over the basement floor ever since. Last night our trusty friend Rob dropped by to replace it for us. Now I will tell you up front I know nothing about fixing things around the house. I can teach your children how to read or how to memorize their multiplication tables, but don't ask me to fix a gas leak. Like everything else in our house the previous owners seemed to make improvements as cheaply as they could. As Rob was installing the water heater he noticed that one of the pipes that was used was illegal. He asked me to run to Menards which is completely out of my element. I wrote down specifically what he requested, repeated it numerous times to make sure I actually had it, and headed out before they closed for Thanksgiving Eve.

When I arrived at the store I tracked down a worker, only to discover he looked and acted like Clay Aiken's younger, even gayer brother. A gay guy working at Menards is like a straight man working at the Gap. I just isn't natural. I told him what I needed and he looked at me like it was the craziest order ever. He finally led me to a section of black gas pipes. I told him what specific measurements I needed and he replied that he had never heard of such a thing. I added that it had something to do with a nipple to which I think I noticed a twinkle in his eye. He responded by saying, "Oooh I know where the nipples are" and followed him with trepidation, unsure of where he would lead me. Needless to say he led me to another section of smaller pipes which were in fact what I needed. With black nipples in hand I headed home to finish the job (i.e. stand back and watch while Rob worked away).

From the line

There's a boy in my class who doesn't really have much to his name, including a dad. So when he asked me today to attend his first basketball game tonight I knew it would make his day. I drove over and witnessed a defensive showdown of nine-years old hopped up on Powerade. It was an action-filled game right down to the final buzzer when the score read 16-10. The best part was when this high school-aged kid came out after the first quarter. He stood at the foul line and shot free throws. And I thought halftime at the Bradley games were bad with the dogs catching frisbees. Anyway, the kid missed all eleven shots, five of which were airballs and three of which failed to even come within two feet of the rim. This kid was living one of my fears, standing in front of a gym full of people watching you suck at a sport. That's why I don't even attempt it and instead spend my nights watching yet another crappy Real World/Road Rules challenge.

America's most wanted

This afternoon my principal came in and asked me to stop in her office when I had a chance. Instantly I began wondering which parent had called, complaining that I had called their child a spook. Sometimes it just slips out. Later when I stopped by to see her she asked me to shut the door which is never a comforting sign. She took out a manila folder and said "I'd like you to take a look at this." I knew someone would stumble upon my nude Internet pictures one day. I was relieved to discover that it actually had nothing to do with me personally. All of the volunteers in our classroom are required to be fingerprinted to make sure they're not dealing in illicit activity. Well sure enough out of the whole school the only one that was flagged was a parent in my room that helps out several times a week. According to the poilce report attached, she and her husband had gotten into an argument back in 2001 and she had beaten the crap out of him. This is the same parent who bought me $75 worth of stuff at the World Series. Needless to say, I don't want to let this one get away. There could be a nice Christmas present on the way. She's coming in to help at 2:15 today. I need to be on my best behavior and try not to piss her off. She could kick my anorexic butt any day.

A D-list birthday

So last night for my birthday Rachel and I headed to Bloomington to see Kathy Griffin, who Rach absolutely loathes. I like her show on Bravo and have seen her various specials. However, I must admit that I didn't enjoy her live stand-up. First of all I knew I was in for it when in the first minute she screamed "Well we've taken back the House and the Senate." As the audience howled in approval I knew that my conservative, right wing-leaning butt was in the minority. How about that Aaron Schock victory? Anyone? She went through her whole barrage of celebrity stories, poking fun at Whitney Houston ("If even Courtney Love is saying you're messed up, then it's time to put down the crack pipe."), Paris Hilton ("She is without a doubt mildly retarded."), and Madonna ("When did she become more British than the royal family?"). Rachel was miffed because she had just commented on Madonna's accent two weeks ago and now thinks she deserves compensation for stealing her joke. The show seemed kind of stale to me and there is only so much you can hear about her feud with Ryan Seacrest. After you have heard her talk about sticking various items in her vagina 28 times it kind of loses its luster. The love affair with Kathy Griffin and her plastic face has now come to an end.

Hump day

Each morning my students do this word sort activity where they have to spell words and look at the similarities between them (incredibly exciting). Today one of the words was "hump" like the thing that is on the back of a camel. A boy raised his hand and said "My dad likes to hump," following by my mouth hitting the floor. He went on to explain that when he's riding with his dad in the car he always tries to go over all the humps in the road to make the car ride more like a roller coaster. Alright, now I've got it. Now I've seen both of this kid's parents and the last thing I want to do is picture them getting it on.