Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Pucker up

So I took another Star Student out for lunch today. When will I learn? On the way to eat she motormouthed her way through a variety of topics (her old school, school lunches, her sister in junior high, American Idol). She stated that it was her mom's boyfriend's birthday this weekend. Making small talk, I asked if they had bought him anything yet. They hadn't but had been looking at some Packers sweatshirts. The girl added that her suggestion was to get him a tattoo. She went on saying that her mom had a couple of tattoos, a palm tree on her ankle, a rose on her back, and (drum roll please) bright red lips near her privates. Well won't that make parent/teacher conferences on Thursday a lot more interesting.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Oscar outlook

The Oscars are this weekend and it's probably going to be a ho-hum show. Most of the races have been wrapped up for months, so I'd be delighted if there was an upset somewhere. Of course the Academy really lost some credibility when they denied a Best Picture nod to Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector. Here's my picks for the big show on Sunday night:

Best Picture
Babel
The Departed
Letters From Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
The Queen

Should Win: Babel
Will Win: Little Miss Sunshine

Basically this comes down to a three-way race between Babel, The Departed, and Little Miss Sunshine. Babel's multi-layered tale of intersecting lives looks to be a distant cousin of last year's Best Picture winner Crash which could be a good omen. The Departed is quite simply a popcorn movie that doesn't have the clout to be a Best Picture champ. Little Miss Sunshine has become the little movie that could. Hordes of Academy voters love it and it will probably walk away with the night's biggest prize.

Best Actor
Leonardo DiCaprio (Blood Diamond)
Ryan Gosling (Half Nelson)
Peter O'Toole (Venus)
Will Smith (The Pursuit of Happyness)
Forest Whitaker (The Last King of Scotland)

Should Win: Ryan Gosling
Will Win: Forest Whitaker

Forest Whitaker has become the Philip Seymour Hoffman of this awards season. He's swept every other award in the galaxy and should easily wrap up the Oscar. The only potential spoiler could be Peter O'Toole. With eight nominations and no wins he could be the sentimental favorite. But this year sentiment won't win over Whitaker's unforgettable performance.

Best Actress
Penelope Cruz (Volver)
Judi Dench (Notes on a Scandal)
Helen Mirren (The Queen)
Meryl Streep (The Devil Wears Prada)
Kate Winslet (Little Children)

Should Win: Helen Mirren
Will Win: Helen Mirren

I would be thrilled if Kate Winslet won after five nominations. However, this is Mirren's year to reign supreme. Already Dench has announced that she's staying home in London. The other nominees would be smart to follow suit watching the show from home in their pajamas and chowing down on Chinese take-out.

Best Supporting Actor
Alan Arkin (Little Miss Sunshine)
Jackie Earle Haley (Little Children)
Djimon Hounsou (Blood Diamond)
Eddie Murphy (Dreamgirls)
Mark Wahlberg (The Departed)

Should Win: Mark Wahlberg
Will Win: Eddie Murphy

This is the truly wide open race of the night. Murphy has the edge going in, but remains to be seem if Norbit works in his favor or not. On one hand, it shows his flexibility as an actor. On the other, it could give voters the impression that his nominated performance is just a one-off fluke. That could allow Arkin (with his first nomination since 1969) or even Wahlberg to slide in for the win.

Best Supporting Actress
Adriana Barraza (Babel)
Cate Blanchett (Notes on a Scandal)
Abigail Breslin (Little Miss Sunshine)
Jennifer Hudson (Dreamgirls)
Rinko Kikuchi (Babel)

Should Win: Jennifer Hudson
Will Win: Jennifer Hudson

And I am telling you that there is no way that Jennifer Hudson will leave the Kodak Theatre empty-handed. She's a shoo-in for a performance that some critics have boldly called one of the greatest film debuts ever. Not bad for a seventh place Idol contestant. Somewhere Jasmine Trias is yelling at her agent. Plus, I saw enough of Kikuchi's vagina in Babel to never want to see her anywhere ever again.

Best Director
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu (Babel)
Martin Scorsese (The Departed)
Clint Eastwood (Letters From Iwo Jima)
Stephen Frears (The Queen)
Paul Greengrass (United 93)

Should Win: Martin Scorsese
Will Win: Martin Scorsese

If Scorsese doesn't win this year on his eighth nomination he should just pack it in. After being snubbed for classics like Raging Bull and Goodfellas, he's overdue and the Academy will right its wrong once and for all.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Dancing with people who look vaguely familiar

So yesterday the line-up for this season's Dancing with the Stars was announced. Now this is a show that I despise on many levels. I hate the costumes, the judges, the host, and especially the dancing. My real problem with it is the "stars" that it showcases. Now I understand that the first couple of seasons it's hard to get big-name talent, but now it's a huge hit going into its fourth season. I don't expect to see Denzel Washington or Jennifer Aniston doing a samba, but I do expect to see bigger stars than Billy Ray Cyrus, Leeza Gibbons, and Steve Sanders from 90210. It's pretty sad when your biggest celebrity is Heather Mills-McCartney, the gold-digging, one-legged ex-wife of the greatest singer/songwriter of all time. So to help the show become a bit more respectable I've brainstormed a few suggestions of stars they should try to land in upcoming seasons:

* Jerry Maguire child star Jonathan Lipnicki

* My second grade teacher Miss Fryman

* Jason Alexander, Britney Spears' 55 hour husband

* Sporty Spice

* Jaleel White, Urkel from Family Matters

* One of the remaining non-Academy Award nominated members of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

* Magic, the dog from those Old Navy commercials

* John Wayne Bobbit, the man whose wife cut off his penis

* Haylie Duff, Hilary's even more untalented sister

* Sandy, my favorite barista from Starbucks

* Mambo No. 5 singer Lou Bega

* The Soup Nazi

* Connie Chung

* Isaac Hanson, the oldest member of the singing Hanson family

* The San Diego Chicken

* MC Skat Kat from Paula Abdul's Opposites Attract video

* American Idol first season host Brian Dunkleman

* Lark Voorhees, Saved By The Bell's Lisa Turtle

* The elderly woman from the "I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial (if she's still with us)

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Pitchy at best

There are some people who watch Idol strictly for the auditions. I am not one of them. There's only so many horrendous versions of Fallin' I can withstand. This year they crammed in so many terrible auditions that viewers rarely saw actual decent singers. When I watched the first performance show last night half of the guys I didn't even recognize and for good reason. Let me go out on a limb right now and say there is no way a guy will win this season. If by some strange miracle that happens in May I will rush right out and buy 20 copies of Kellie Pickler's atrocious album. The guys as a whole are not good and I really don't see many of them improving over the next several weeks. Most of them picked extremely boring songs. I mean it's your first night to really wow America and what do you pick? Richard Marx? You've gotta be kidding me. So here's a few observations from last night.

* If Chris Richardson is the next Justin Timberlake, then I'm the next Stevie Wonder.

* Sanjaya Malakar (or Kumar as I like to call him) reminds me of Michael Jackson but a bit creepier and with less talent.

* If you're getting more attention for your bare feet than your singing, that's not a good thing Paul Kim.

* The two that stood out for their originality were Blake Lewis and Chris Sligh. I'll admit that I haven't yet warmed up to Blake and his annoying beatbox, while I think Chris' personality alone will catapult him into the top 12.

* It was nice knowing you Sundance Head, a name that sounds perfectly suited for a career in porn.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

The John and Jessica tour of, um, love? Seriously?

Now I could blog about how great John Mayer was live last night. But I must admit I missed out on about four songs halfway through his set when a certain divorced, former MTV reality star magically appeared behind the sound board. Now I'm nowhere near a Simpson fan, but I was transfixed watching her struggle with the lyrics as she attempted to sing along. After about three songs she was bored and proceeded to play with her hair for the next thirty minutes. Anytime she even remotely glanced in our direction the girl in front of me waved wildly. But alas Jessica was only there to support her man and in no way wanted to take the spotlight off of him (ya right.) I mean what couple doesn't want to spend a Saturday night together in Bloomington, Illinois? I find them to be something of a good match because you can't listen to either of them speak for very long. I doubt their love for linguistics is what brought them together.

Set List

Vultures
Good Love Is On The Way
Why
Georgia
I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You)
Clarity
Waiting on the World to Change
The Heart of Life
Bigger Than My Body
I'm Gonna Find Another You
Belief
No Such Thing
Gravity

Encore

Bold As Love
Your Body Is A Wonderland

Neon

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Dirty Valentine's Day memories

Today I was getting ready to head home from school as the janitor was cleaning my room. Now she is your quintessential custodian, a rough-looking 40-something skank from the rough side of the tracks. She is one of those people you dread running into so much that if you hear her coming down the hall you quickly pull out your cell phone and begin talking to your imaginary friend. I mean I've had to endure conversations ranging from the cool new movie she rented last weekend (Men in Black) to her daughter's tampon purchasing decisions (cardboard or plastic applicator?). So today as I was leaving I let out a very innocent "Have a good night." A smirk came across her face as she responded "Oooh I did last night" before bursting into a hearty laugh. Without even thinking I let out a quite rude "Ewww" before racing towards the exit doors. It was only by the grace of God that I didn't vomit back up my microwave roast beef dinner from lunch.

Thursday, February 8, 2007

Your fearless Grammys guru

So the Grammy Awards are this Sunday and the nominees as a whole are actually respectable this year (with the exception of the Pussycat Dolls. C'mon, really?). Look for nominees Carrie Underwood, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and the Dixie Chicks to walk away with a couple of awards a piece. My big prediction of the night is that Mary J. Blige breaks the record for the most wins in one night by a female artist. Currently it sits at five wins, tied by Beyonce, Alicia Keys, Norah Jones, and Lauryn Hill. Look for Blige to win six of her eight nominations as the night's biggest nominee. You heard it here first (or I could be eating it come Monday morning).

Album of the Year

Taking The Long Way (Dixie Chicks)
St. Elsewhere (Gnarls Barkley)
Continuum (John Mayer)
Stadium Arcadium (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
FutureSex/LoveSounds (Justin Timberlake)

Will Win: Taking The Long Way
Should Win: Continuum

Each year there's always that one nominee in this category that so glaringly doesn't belong. Can you name a track from Gnarls Barkley's album other than "Crazy"? Ya, I didn't think so. I've gotta give credit to JT for creating probably the coolest album of the group and effectively erasing any memories of that goofy white boy afro (well almost). John Mayer's album is his most well-rounded yet from start to finish. Almost every track is brilliant. The race comes down to a duel between the Chili Peppers and the Chicks. The rock act's career-rejuvenating CD is great but ultimately not strong enough to hold back the Dixie Chicks. The female trio have been to this dance twice before and struck out. I have a feeling the third time will be the charm. While not their overall best album in my opinion, I think Grammy voters will cap off their comeback year with the night's biggest prize.

Record of the Year

Be Without You (Mary J. Blige)
You're Beautiful (James Blunt)
Not Ready To Make Nice (
Dixie Chicks)
Crazy (Gnarls Barkley)
Put Your Records On (Corinne Bailey Rae)

Will Win: Be Without You
Should Win: Put Your Records On

I'll preface this by saying these are good songs but not necessarily the greatest of the last twelve months. I would have preferred the inclusion of Promiscuous, Over My Head (Cable Car), What Hurts The Most, Chasing Cars, Black Horse and the Cherry Tree, or even that love-it or despise-it Sexyback. Out of the five nominated singles, the one that most seems like the biggest of the year is Be Without You. Crazy drives you just what the title says. Is there anyone who still can listen to that over-played James Blunt song? My personal pick would be Corinne Bailey Rae's carefree little ditty, although I'd be happy to see the veteran Blige finally receive some mainstream validation.

Song of the Year (songwriter's award)

Be Without You (Johnta Austin, Mary J. Blige, Bryan-Michael Cox & Jason Perry)
Jesus Take The Wheel (Brett James, Hillary Lindsey & Gordie Sampson)
Not Ready To Make Nice (Martie Maguire, Natalie
Maines, Emily Robison & Dan Wilson)
Put Your Records On (John Beck, Steve Chrisanthou & Corinne Bailey Rae)
You're Beautiful (James Blunt, Amanda Ghost & Sacha Skarbek)

Will Win: Not Ready To Make Nice
Should Win: Not Ready To Make Nice

It used to be that the winners of the Record of the Year and Song of the Year categories always matched up. It worked out that way for a five year stretch from 1996 (Eric Clapton's Change the World) to 2000 (U2's Beautiful Day). But in the last six years the winners have only matched up once (Norah Jones' Don't Know Why in 2002). I'm going to stick with Mary J. for Record of the Year but pick the Dixie Chicks for Song of the Year. It was a song that made no apologies to the legions of country fans they lost. For Chicks, they sure have a massive set of balls.

New Artist of the Year

James Blunt
Chris Brown
Imogen Heap
Corinne Bailey Rae
Carrie Underwood

Will Win: Carrie Underwood
Should Win: Carrie Underwood

The Grammys had been slow to show love to Idol winners until last year when Kelly Clarkson broke through with two big wins. Typically country acts got nominated for this category but wind up empty handed (Sugarland, Gretchen Wilson, Brad Paisley, Dixie Chicks, Shania Twain). The last country artist to win this award was Leann Rimes in 1997, a young blond girl whose debut album exploded on the charts. Sound familiar? That should bode well for Carrie Underwood. The spoiler in this race could be Corinne Bailey Rae, a British ingénue in the same vain of past New Artist winners Norah Jones, Paula Cole, and Tracy Chapman.

Monday, February 5, 2007

An irrate Mark McGwire

Today after school Ella and I headed to Wal-Mart while Rach went to the doctor (6 1/2 weeks to go). After finishing shopping I buckled her into her car seat and she immediately put her head to the side like she was snuggling down for nap. I asked her if she was tired and she lifted up her head before dramatically letting out a sigh and collapsing back into the padded side of her seat. I started laughing and that just encouraged her to keep doing it over and over again. Well as I was getting ready to close the door I heard a loud crash. I looked over and a car in the next aisle had backed into a row of carts that an employee had just corralled in a long line. The guy jumped out his car right away and looked at me and yelled "You think that's f***in' funny f***er?" Before I dared him to try saying that five times fast, I attempted unsuccessfully to explain that I was laughing at my daughter, which he didn't buy. "Just shut the f*** up!" he responded. Now this guy was a rather large gentleman that some (I personally) would refer to as a walking steroid. My 170 pound body (who am I kidding? 160 pound body) knows enough not to mess with him. Instead I knew better to just blog behind his back later. He turned his rage to the 17 year old Wal-Mart worker and I found my chance to hop in the van and screech away. Oh and just for the record I really did think it was f***in' funny.

Thursday, February 1, 2007

New York state of mind

Well we've managed to recover from our long weekend in New York City. Rachel and I had the most amazing time there. I truly loved it there even more than I thought I would.

As we were getting to ready to leave from Peoria early Friday morning the captain came on and said they were having trouble getting one of the thermostats to work properly. So twice he had to turn off the plane completely for several minutes and pray that it would start back up. He kept saying it was like when you had to keep trying to start up an old car on a cold day and hope that it stays on. You know that's not the most reassuring example when the plane is going to be whisking you thousands of feet in the air. Luckily after a 25 minute delay we made it to Chicago in one piece.

We arrived in New York to one of the coldest days on record. It was a frigid 12 degrees when we touched down and it didn't warm up much all weekend. We took a taxi from the airport and the driver asked where we were from. I told him somewhat near Chicago to which he responded "How is New Chicago different from regular Chicago?" Rather than correcting him I just told him it was smaller with nicer houses. We would have gotten to our hotel quicker but he kept pausing to take pictures on his cell phone every time we passed a Muslim temple. I knew we had arrived in the city when we passed a man holding a cardboard sign asking for money for strippers, beer, and drugs.

Our first night there we went to try (unsuccessfully) to get tickets to see Hairspray. While we were waiting outside the theatre a crazy man walked by to tell us "It's a great weekend to be in New York. Look out for the earthquake." He walked a few more steps before saying "Hello everyone." He glanced to a girl in a wheelchair and said "Hello cripple." With a final "Hallelujah, Praise Jesus" he was gone.

Every time you walked down the streets there would be guys handing our fliers for bus tours, Broadway shows, and gentlemen's clubs. The comedy club guys were the worst. When you ignored them or said no thank you they'd try to come back with a not-so-funny line. One night after bypassing nine of them in a row Rachel simply told the guy that it simply wasn't our thing. He responded, "Hey, it's not a fetish. It's just comedy" as he chuckled to himself. If that's as funny as it gets I can see why no one was taking him up on his offer.

We bought tickets for this tour that took you all around the city on a double-decker bus. We froze our butts off. In fact I still have dried snot plastered on my face. We went past one building and the tour guide told us that it was stronger than the World Trade Center. Um, I don't know if you realize this but ultimately the twin towers weren't that strong.

Most Broadway shows have these lotteries where two hours before the show you can put your name in a drawing. If you're one of the names they draw out you can buy two tickets in the front row for $25 a piece. It's a great deal but people come out in droves to try to win. We tried Friday night to win tickets for Wicked and knew we didn't stand a chance. There were 200 people (mostly theater majors: hyperactive, dramatic girls and very gay boys). Undeterred we tried again Saturday night even though there was about the same number of people. Surprisingly my name was the third one drawn out. I probably was one of the highlights of the trip. It really is a great show from beginning to end and it was just unbelievable sitting that close. Rachel commented that now both Ella and Liam have seen the show in utero.

I was on the look-out for celebrities the whole time. Granted we never bumped in Sarah Jessica Parker or Will Smith, but we did spot some minor celebrities. One night the recent rehabilitated Miss USA was out in the middle of Times Square being interview by both Pat O'Brien and Mark Steines. Letterman was on hiatus but we ate lunch at his buddy Rupert's deli right next door. Our hotel was right next to Good Morning America so on Monday morning we headed over to get on tv. Letty said we looked like classis tourist standing behind Diane Sawyer waving into the camera. Poor Rachel couldn't see over anyone and all you could make out was her pink hat. Finally, just as we getting ready to leave we ran into Project Runway judge Nina Garcia on the street.

Heading back to the airport for our return flight home I thought I'd try to save the $55 bucks we used for a taxi when we arrived and take the subway back to the airport. I mean it would only cost us $4. What could be better? It turned into The Amazing Race. We went all the way out to Queens on the subway and then had to catch the bus. However, it required exact change which we didn't have and the driver was pissed so she left us there. By the time the second taxi arrived we had our money ready. We hopped on the bus and looked for a place to slide in our dollars. The new driver told us we either had to have coins on a Metro card. Finally we got on the bus and made it to the airport. When they finally let us board we then got stuck sitting on the runway for two hours, which was brutal. The guy in the row in front of us was the most obnoxious prick. At one point the flight attendant said, "Oh, I think that's the engine starting up." The man's classy response was "No, I think that's your big, long vibrator." I was waiting for the woman to slap him but she didn't.

We finally arrived back into Chicago four hours late and of course our flight to Peoria (the last one of the day) was long gone. Knowing that both of us had to work the next morning we looked at renting a car to drive home but it would be $138. So we found a hotel room to spend the night. However, we didn't have our bags. No toothpaste, no deodorant, no clean clothes. The real kicker was the next morning when I went to hop into the shower we had no hot water.

When we finally landed in Peoria all we wanted was to get our bags and get home to see Ella. As we watched other people get their luggage from the baggage claim ours never arrived. We headed upstairs and waited and waited and waited. No one was in sight. We looked out the window and realized why. Air Force One had just landed and the President had arrived. First he got us stuck in Iraq and now he's held up our bags. C'mon man, I voted for you twice (something that is not popular to admit these days). Just give me our luggage. Once he was secure on the ground our luggage appeared and we headed home with memories of a trip we'll never forget.