Things I loathe

Any solo Beyonce song

Do it yourself home improvement

Cats

Shoes over $30

Discussions on the war in Iraq

Egg salad sandwiches

The thought of ever having to go back to high school

Slow drivers in the left lane

Heavy metal bands

Drag shows

Putting Ella down for a nap and watching her start to cry

Staying up late

Dishonesty

Paris Hilton

Ticketmaster surcharges

Animals dressed up in clothes

Football

Long drawn-out guitar solos

Paying full price

Dancing

Girls in baseball caps

Ryan Seacrest

Pâté

Raking leaves

Any MTV dating show

Petty arguments

Owen Wilson movies

Apathy

Sore throats

Evanescence

Broken copy machines on Monday mornings

Tomato soup

Junior high students

Credit card debt

Feeling pressured to do something you don't want to do

People who talk on cell phones in restaurants

Hillary Clinton

Deal Or No Deal

Diarrhea

Concession stand prices

Peanut butter and jelly

White trash

Lack of confidence

Makeover shows

Fake people

Car shopping

Misspelled words on advertisements

Tiny gum wrappers

Cold sandwiches

Nascar

Chicago parking deck prices

Jay Leno

Fruit

Stephen King novels

Ice cream sandwiches

Cameron Diaz

Things I love

Cotton candy

30 Rock

Haribo gummy bears

Date night

Anything credited to Lennon/McCartney

Opening weekend at the movie theater

Award shows

Singing in the car

Reality TV

Live music

Starbucks

Airports

Rachel's constant belief in me

Long showers

Hot wings

Comebacks

Bowling

French toast with A-1 sauce

Roller coasters

Croissants

Sarcasm

My family and their eccentricities

The World Champion St. Louis Cardinals

Crepes

John Mayer lyrics

Fancy hotels

Taking a nap on the beach

London

Jack Bauer

Ella reaching out to be held

Long weekends

Documentaries

Old school Elton John

Steamed clams

The Office

Friends who know you so well and yet still remain your friends

Oprah's book club

Payday

David Letterman

Chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven

Falling asleep on the couch with Rachel until midnight

Entertainment Weekly

Fountain sodas

Watching the garbage man crush all of our trash each Wednesday

The first day of school

The last day of school

My morning quiet time

Nachos supreme

Julia Roberts movies

Lazy, rainy days

A good steak

Barack Obama

Electric blankets

Crispy bacon

Warm summer nights in the car with the windows down and Bon Jovi in the CD player

29 and counting

Everyone feels the need to keep reminding me that each day I'm inching closer and closer to 30. I don't know if I'm supposed to be bothered by this or not. So far it's no big deal. I mean I'm married, almost a father of two, and have purchased a van now. Ya I get it. My days of sitting at the Lucky Lady making fun of Chi O's are officially over. I can barely make it through the first fifteen minutes of Grey's Anatomy these days before falling asleep. 3:00 a.m. runs to Perkins seem a distant memory.

So imagine my surprise last night as we were checking out at Target. The teenage girl was scanning our items when she stopped midway to ask for my I.D. I looked at her curiously to which she responded "I need to make sure you're old enough to purchase this children's cough syrup" which she held in one hand. I asked her how old one had to be as I handed over my license to which she responded 18. I may be almost three decades old but to this girl I didn't even look old enough to buy a pack of smokes. You've gotta love the youth of America.

It's the thought that counts?

I complained last week about several of the Christmas gifts given to me by my students. Well yesterday I saw a gift that might be right on par with those. Thankfully the gift wasn't for me this time. Instead my grandparents were forced to come up with some fake gratitude. My uncle's girlfriend handed them a gift bag and they pulled out a box of microwave popcorn. She said to keep looking and they dug through the tissue paper. After a few seconds of searching they came across a baggie full of Sweet and Low packets. The kicker was that she works at Bob Evans and swiped them from the storage room in the back. I guess I can't fault her because it really is a money-saving idea. Next year all of my loved ones are getting Post-It notes and number two pencils that I stole from the school office.

Unnecessary

Our cell phone contract is up so today I called Verizon to check about switching over. We got a really good deal but then the guy tried to sell me on all of the extra services, like a text message plan, roadside assistance, insurance, and a car charger. The one he was pushing the hardest was the mobile Internet capability. I told him it wasn't something we'd really use. Not taking no for an answer, he continued, "Well what if you need to look up movie times? What if you need to order concert tickets? Suppose you need to update your blog." I really started believing that Pablo on the other end was actually an acquaintance of mine. Before I could really start figuring out how I knew this guy, he went down the absurd route.

"What if your car broke down in the desert and you needed to look up the closest mechanic?"
"What if you got lost on the way to the opera and needed to find directions?"
"What if you were making Christmas dinner and needed to look up a recipe?"

Are these common problems that people have while driving around in their vehicles? I guess it might come in handy if I ever drove off the side of a bridge and needed to look up the best way to escape from my rapidly sinking car. Other than that I have no use for it. To which Pablo next tried to sell me an Orange County Choppers cell phone case. Now that my friend I couldn't pass up.

Punk'd

For the past four years I have picked out one of my students to do something special for at Christmas. This is someone whose families can't afford much or are not living with their parents for some reason or another. I go out and buy them a few presents and get several other families on board as well. This year I had two boys that I really wanted to do something for. The first lives with his grandmother and has never even met his father. A couple of months ago the grandmother said that they would have to move because their landlord had increased their rent. The other boy lives with his father and the mother has been out of the picture since shortly after he was born. He comes to school each day with the same pair of pants, shoes with holes in the toes and the soles, and one of two short-sleeved t-shirts which he alternates every other day. I thought they both deserved a nice Christmas like I had every year growing up. With the help of the other families we were able to collect around twenty gifts for each boy which I thought was amazing.

I delivered the gifts to the first boy's house while he was away and the grandmother instantly started crying. She was so thankful for what we did and pointed to her Christmas tree. Underneath it were only four presents, two for each of her two grandsons. That kind of made my Christmas right there.

I drove over to the next boy's apartment, knocked on the door, and waited for dad to answer. He opened up the door and invited me in. Before I could even explain while I was there, I stepped into the living room and immediately noticed the 51" big screen television stationed in the corner. Um okay. I explained what I was doing there and he responded "Oh great. We can put them under the tree with the rest of the gifts. I've spent almost $350 on him already." It took everything in me to not make up a story about how I had accidentally driven to the wrong student's house. Muttering under my breath I made three trips to the car to retrieve all of the gifts. If you can spend over $300 on Christmas presents for your son surely you can invest in some new shoes or perhaps a coat that has all but one of the buttons still attached. I'll admit that all of the Christmas spirit I had from the last house had completely disappeared. So this is what it feels like to get punk'd.

The season for giving crappy gifts

Today was our Christmas party at school. It's a kind of a double-edged sword. On one hand it's exciting because it means that Christmas vacation is only a day away. On the other hand you have to prepare yourself for the onslaught of terrible gifts. Now there are those rare families that you can count on to come through for you. For example, three of my students each got me Starbucks gift cards that totaled up to $65. That should last me through the end of the year. However, most of the gifts suck. They're usually so bad that you can't even use that "It's the thought that counts" line. Note to parents and future parents reading this: Avoid giving the following gifts that I received today. They'll never make good presents and quite frankly there's only so many fake compliments one can come up with when put on the spot.

* Mini ornaments
* A Christmas stocking with the teacher's last name spelled wrong
* A small loaf of something smeared with cream cheese
* Generic coffee
* A travel mug that plugs into a car lighter
* A dusty box of chocolate truffles
* A gingerbread ornament missing one eye
* Coasters that you can slide photos into
* A tiny pillow that says "Joy" on it
* A Santa that has candy coming out of where its butt should be
* A small weiner of summer sausage

Living the American dream

In my class this year I have a boy who arrived here from Thailand about two years ago. Today I was asking him how he came to live here in the U.S. He explained that his dad (i.e. his mom's husband who is not actually his dad) was on vacation in Bangkok with his wife. He met this boy's mom and invited her to join him in the states. Left out somewhere in this story is that the man left his wife and children for the Thai honey. So when they arrived on U.S. soil neither the boy nor his mother could speak any English. Even now listening to mom is as difficult as discerning Bob Dylan lyrics. He continued to tell me that his mom now works at Taco Bell while taking ESL classes at night. Now there's the American dream. How many young Thai women must dream of breaking up a marriage, being taken away from their homeland, and forced to to slather refried beans on tortilla shells. Welcome to America!

Too much to bear

The other day when my grandparents babysat Ella they gave her a new bear. They thought it looked like her. Maybe if she had claws and devoured gallons of honey. Now mind you this isn't some cuddly teddy bear. Instead it's an ugly, hard, ceramic statue that stands about six inches tall. It's not really the greatest toy to give a 17 month old. In fact, it's not even a toy. I would find it kind of sweet if it were a family heirloom passed down from generation to generation. However, it's a $1 piece of crap picked up from ___________ (insert your choice of Dollar General/Big Lots/Family Dollar). Normally I'd smile, give a fake "Oh that's cute", thank them for the gift, and toss it in the Goodwill box once they're out the door. However, Ella's fallen in love with it. I mean she carries the thing around the house now wherever she goes. Tonight we were putting on our coats, getting ready to go see Rachel at work. As I opened the front door she made a whining sound and outstretched her hand. I followed her fingers to see that stupid bear sitting right in the middle of the living room floor. I went to pick it up and she smiled wide as she was reunited with her new favorite toy. Now I keep trying to distract her with Oreos, books, Elmo, tightrope walkers, a life-size igloo, and a visit from David Hasselhoff but to no avail.

The end of Vaughniston

So Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have finally broken up. And a disinterested nation yawns. Did anyone really expect these two to become this generation's Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward? They were a bizarre match right from the beginning. She is supposedly yet another one of America's sweethearts (along with Julia and Reese), but I don't find her to be that charming. He's the frat boy that will still be smashing beer cans on his head when he's eighty. Supposedly Vince flew to Hungary over Thanksgiving weekend. And we all thought Gwyneth Paltrow was un-American. While there he met this 20-year old junior from Trinity University in San Antonio. Before even the sheets had cooled down she sent out an email to all 22 of her sorority sisters with the sophisticated subject line "I shacked up with Vince Vaughn." Oh how I miss those classy college girls. She closed the email by stating "We didn't have sex but it was just as good." Well at least it had a happy ending. Obviously what happens in Budapest doesn't always stay in Budapest.

The "Back on the road to pay for my divorce" tour

Last night Rachel and I, along with Traci and Seth, went to see Sara Evans at the Civic Center Theater. It was one of her first shows since getting divorced and leaving Dancing with the Stars. It was my first time seeing her in concert and I was really impressed. She's one of those few artists that actually sounds just as good live as she does on her albums. Her cousin who lives in the area was sitting in the row ahead of us. Let's just say it's apparent which side of the family got the good looks. (Hint: it's not the chick who lives in North Pekin.) At one point in the show she talked about having everyone over to her house for Thanksgiving this year. She recounted how one night she fell asleep next to her grandmother just like she did as a child. This was followed up by an innebriated woman that cried out with a classy "Incest!" comment. I must have missed the part of the story when she said they made out. At another point in the concert she asked all the women who were there with a sexy man to stand up. I looked over expecting Rach to bolt from her seat. Her and Traci just sat there. You would have thought that it was as difficult a task as Britney Spears locating her panties. Seventeen minutes later they finally stood up. Oh and the night wouldn't be complete without telling you that Traci tripped over a large mountain of snow as we were leaving and found herself facedown on Jefferson Avenue. Classic.

Set List
Perfect
I Keep Looking
Suds in the Bucket
Born To Fly
You'll Always Be My Baby
Bible Story
Cheatin'
Let It Snow
Coalmine
New Hometown
I Could Not Ask For More
Real Fine Place To Start

Encore
On The Radio
(Sittin' On) The Dock Of The Bay
Heaven Is A Place On Earth