Thursday, November 23, 2006

Searching for nipples at Menards

A few days ago our water heater went out and has been leaking all over the basement floor ever since. Last night our trusty friend Rob dropped by to replace it for us. Now I will tell you up front I know nothing about fixing things around the house. I can teach your children how to read or how to memorize their multiplication tables, but don't ask me to fix a gas leak. Like everything else in our house the previous owners seemed to make improvements as cheaply as they could. As Rob was installing the water heater he noticed that one of the pipes that was used was illegal. He asked me to run to Menards which is completely out of my element. I wrote down specifically what he requested, repeated it numerous times to make sure I actually had it, and headed out before they closed for Thanksgiving Eve.

When I arrived at the store I tracked down a worker, only to discover he looked and acted like Clay Aiken's younger, even gayer brother. A gay guy working at Menards is like a straight man working at the Gap. I just isn't natural. I told him what I needed and he looked at me like it was the craziest order ever. He finally led me to a section of black gas pipes. I told him what specific measurements I needed and he replied that he had never heard of such a thing. I added that it had something to do with a nipple to which I think I noticed a twinkle in his eye. He responded by saying, "Oooh I know where the nipples are" and followed him with trepidation, unsure of where he would lead me. Needless to say he led me to another section of smaller pipes which were in fact what I needed. With black nipples in hand I headed home to finish the job (i.e. stand back and watch while Rob worked away).

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