Spilled milk

Last night we went to the Chinese buffet for dinner. Midway through the meal I got up to get a refill on my chocolate milk (because everyone knows that nothing goes better with ginger beef than chocolate milk). As I pulled up the handle to get the milk to come out I heard something drop into the bottom of my glass. I couldn't see anything in it but it made me a little sick knowing there was something swimming in there. I just took it back to the table for the busboy to pick up on his rounds. I headed back up, grabbed a fresh glass, and tried again. As the milk neared the top of my glass I pushed the lever back into place. Yet instead of returning to its original position it broke off in my hand. Chocolate milk started spilling everywhere. An Asian woman dining a few feet away started yelling at me in her native tongue as though I wasn't aware there was a problem. What did she expect me to do? Wrap my mouth around it and start suckling it like a cow's teat? I was standing there pinching it closed when the aforementioned busboy came to help me out. I handed over the udder and figured he could work it out. I watched him search frantically for a missing piece when it dawned on me that maybe that was what fell in my glass. I wiggled my fingers to the bottom and discovered the missing bolt. I ran it up to him and he said "Oi kahn chi," which I'm going to take as something of a thank you.

The arrival

This is such a special blog posting that I feel like there should be confetti and a clown making balloon animals. It's very exciting to announce that Rachel and I are parents again. Liam McCartney Ritchason was born on March 20 at 11:32 a.m. (exactly one minute later than Ella). He weighed 7 pounds, 8 ounces and was 19 ½" long. Basically he has long bird-like legs like his father and is destined for a life of looking anorexic and avoiding shorts each summer. Anyway, it's a thrilling time at our house.

The delivery actually went rather quickly. Rach started to feel some discomfort and called for the nurse to come check her. She took a look and ran out the door. In just a matter of minutes it became like a set change to a Broadway show. People were coming in as others were exiting, carts were being wheeled in, instruments were on hand, and the spotlights were switched on. Rachel did great with the exception of her spitting in my face at one point, but she apologized mid-push.

There's two things I'm really tired of hearing. First, people saying "Well that's an interesting name." That's actually quite ironic when you hear it coming from a nurse named Cassany. Even my brother-in-law Andy had to give us a hard time about naming him after a celebrity. This coming from a guy who named his youngest son Clay Beckham King. I told him at least we chose a famous Brit that has some actual talent, unlike a guy who simply plays soccer in between injuries. Secondly, no we did not steal the name from Tori Spelling. If anything it's the other way around. I let the name slip when I bought a George Foreman grill from her yard sale two months ago.

While at the hospital there were a few things that made me chuckle. One of the doctors came in and said "Congratulations. Now you have a hunting buddy." Obviously we had never met before. Me hunting is about as likely as me ever watching another Lindsay Lohan movie. It's not gonna happen. I think Liam's more of a "lay on the couch watching Idol" buddy. Another time the lactation nurse came in to give Rachel a refresher course on how to breastfeed. She said Liam needed a little suck training. I think suck training is how Rachel and I got into this predicament to begin with. People think that having long legs is a blessing. Sure you can hang stuff up high or easily reach the top shelf, but it also has its disadvantages. The first night in the hospital I was sleeping soundly on a rickety five foot rollaway bed when the nurse brought Liam back in his crib and ran right into my ankles hanging off the bed. It was kind of like that scene in Misery where psycho Annie Wilkes smashes James Caan's ankles with a sledgehammer.

Finally, there's nothing like being at the hospital with Rachel's dad. It's actually like being out on the town with Paris Hilton, except a lot less skanky and without the extensions. Everyone knows him from the nurses to the chaplain to the crazy guys trying to find the mental ward. The best part of it is that he only ever recognizes about 1 out of every 10 people. The rest of them he fakes it by saying "Hey guy" or "Good to see you." After walking away and asking him who that was, he simply states "Oh, I have no idea." Classic.

Cleanup of dirty secrets in aisle 10

Ella and I ventured back to Wal-Mart this morning and it is apparent that I could write a book just about my adventures at the supercenter. We picked up a few assorted items and headed to the checkout. I took everything out of the cart and the woman began scanning each of them. Here's how the rest of the exchange went down. The cashier's words are legit but mine have been made up for dramatic/comedic effect. Basically I didn't have the balls to really say anything and just responded with "uh huh."

Her: You gonna pay for that? (pointing to the donut sack that Ella was holding)
Me: Oh I'm sorry. I forgot she had that. (handing over aforementioned donut sack)
Her: You weren't trying to steal that were you?
Me: Well times are tough but I think I can afford the 45 cent donut (followed by a lame chuckle).
Her: Ya you don't wanna get caught shoplifting. Trust me.
Me: Thanks for the advice.
Her: I once shoplifted a digital camera from K's Merchandise, but they caught me in the parking lot.
Me: Better luck next time.
Her: I had to stay in jail for 60 days. They're not nice to you in jail.
Me: Ya I've seen Ernest Goes To Jail and it was brutal.
Her: Luckily my mom and dad got me out.
Me: Wow, they must really love you to keep you locked up for two months.
Her: (smoky laugh) Here's your receipt. Have a nice day.
Me: You too sticky fingers.

More disgusting than a can of Pringles

So I was in the office making copies this afternoon when I heard the faint sound of my friend the janitor. She was telling the assistant superintendent's wife of all people that she suffers from irritable bowel syndrome. As if that wasn't enough she added that she "can't even eat a potato chip without taking a sh*t." I started giggling so hard to myself that I almost did the same in my pants.

Foul mouthed nine year olds

I was grading some papers this afternoon when I stopped dead in my tracks. A student had written her explanation for an estimation problem with what looked like an inappropriate four-letter word. I think she meant "took" but it came out as something else. Look at the second word she wrote and judge for yourself.

Pucker up

So I took another Star Student out for lunch today. When will I learn? On the way to eat she motormouthed her way through a variety of topics (her old school, school lunches, her sister in junior high, American Idol). She stated that it was her mom's boyfriend's birthday this weekend. Making small talk, I asked if they had bought him anything yet. They hadn't but had been looking at some Packers sweatshirts. The girl added that her suggestion was to get him a tattoo. She went on saying that her mom had a couple of tattoos, a palm tree on her ankle, a rose on her back, and (drum roll please) bright red lips near her privates. Well won't that make parent/teacher conferences on Thursday a lot more interesting.

Oscar outlook

The Oscars are this weekend and it's probably going to be a ho-hum show. Most of the races have been wrapped up for months, so I'd be delighted if there was an upset somewhere. Of course the Academy really lost some credibility when they denied a Best Picture nod to Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector. Here's my picks for the big show on Sunday night:

Best Picture
Babel
The Departed
Letters From Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
The Queen

Should Win: Babel
Will Win: Little Miss Sunshine

Basically this comes down to a three-way race between Babel, The Departed, and Little Miss Sunshine. Babel's multi-layered tale of intersecting lives looks to be a distant cousin of last year's Best Picture winner Crash which could be a good omen. The Departed is quite simply a popcorn movie that doesn't have the clout to be a Best Picture champ. Little Miss Sunshine has become the little movie that could. Hordes of Academy voters love it and it will probably walk away with the night's biggest prize.

Best Actor
Leonardo DiCaprio (Blood Diamond)
Ryan Gosling (Half Nelson)
Peter O'Toole (Venus)
Will Smith (The Pursuit of Happyness)
Forest Whitaker (The Last King of Scotland)

Should Win: Ryan Gosling
Will Win: Forest Whitaker

Forest Whitaker has become the Philip Seymour Hoffman of this awards season. He's swept every other award in the galaxy and should easily wrap up the Oscar. The only potential spoiler could be Peter O'Toole. With eight nominations and no wins he could be the sentimental favorite. But this year sentiment won't win over Whitaker's unforgettable performance.

Best Actress
Penelope Cruz (Volver)
Judi Dench (Notes on a Scandal)
Helen Mirren (The Queen)
Meryl Streep (The Devil Wears Prada)
Kate Winslet (Little Children)

Should Win: Helen Mirren
Will Win: Helen Mirren

I would be thrilled if Kate Winslet won after five nominations. However, this is Mirren's year to reign supreme. Already Dench has announced that she's staying home in London. The other nominees would be smart to follow suit watching the show from home in their pajamas and chowing down on Chinese take-out.

Best Supporting Actor
Alan Arkin (Little Miss Sunshine)
Jackie Earle Haley (Little Children)
Djimon Hounsou (Blood Diamond)
Eddie Murphy (Dreamgirls)
Mark Wahlberg (The Departed)

Should Win: Mark Wahlberg
Will Win: Eddie Murphy

This is the truly wide open race of the night. Murphy has the edge going in, but remains to be seem if Norbit works in his favor or not. On one hand, it shows his flexibility as an actor. On the other, it could give voters the impression that his nominated performance is just a one-off fluke. That could allow Arkin (with his first nomination since 1969) or even Wahlberg to slide in for the win.

Best Supporting Actress
Adriana Barraza (Babel)
Cate Blanchett (Notes on a Scandal)
Abigail Breslin (Little Miss Sunshine)
Jennifer Hudson (Dreamgirls)
Rinko Kikuchi (Babel)

Should Win: Jennifer Hudson
Will Win: Jennifer Hudson

And I am telling you that there is no way that Jennifer Hudson will leave the Kodak Theatre empty-handed. She's a shoo-in for a performance that some critics have boldly called one of the greatest film debuts ever. Not bad for a seventh place Idol contestant. Somewhere Jasmine Trias is yelling at her agent. Plus, I saw enough of Kikuchi's vagina in Babel to never want to see her anywhere ever again.

Best Director
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu (Babel)
Martin Scorsese (The Departed)
Clint Eastwood (Letters From Iwo Jima)
Stephen Frears (The Queen)
Paul Greengrass (United 93)

Should Win: Martin Scorsese
Will Win: Martin Scorsese

If Scorsese doesn't win this year on his eighth nomination he should just pack it in. After being snubbed for classics like Raging Bull and Goodfellas, he's overdue and the Academy will right its wrong once and for all.

Dancing with people who look vaguely familiar

So yesterday the line-up for this season's Dancing with the Stars was announced. Now this is a show that I despise on many levels. I hate the costumes, the judges, the host, and especially the dancing. My real problem with it is the "stars" that it showcases. Now I understand that the first couple of seasons it's hard to get big-name talent, but now it's a huge hit going into its fourth season. I don't expect to see Denzel Washington or Jennifer Aniston doing a samba, but I do expect to see bigger stars than Billy Ray Cyrus, Leeza Gibbons, and Steve Sanders from 90210. It's pretty sad when your biggest celebrity is Heather Mills-McCartney, the gold-digging, one-legged ex-wife of the greatest singer/songwriter of all time. So to help the show become a bit more respectable I've brainstormed a few suggestions of stars they should try to land in upcoming seasons:

* Jerry Maguire child star Jonathan Lipnicki

* My second grade teacher Miss Fryman

* Jason Alexander, Britney Spears' 55 hour husband

* Sporty Spice

* Jaleel White, Urkel from Family Matters

* One of the remaining non-Academy Award nominated members of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

* Magic, the dog from those Old Navy commercials

* John Wayne Bobbit, the man whose wife cut off his penis

* Haylie Duff, Hilary's even more untalented sister

* Sandy, my favorite barista from Starbucks

* Mambo No. 5 singer Lou Bega

* The Soup Nazi

* Connie Chung

* Isaac Hanson, the oldest member of the singing Hanson family

* The San Diego Chicken

* MC Skat Kat from Paula Abdul's Opposites Attract video

* American Idol first season host Brian Dunkleman

* Lark Voorhees, Saved By The Bell's Lisa Turtle

* The elderly woman from the "I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial (if she's still with us)

Pitchy at best

There are some people who watch Idol strictly for the auditions. I am not one of them. There's only so many horrendous versions of Fallin' I can withstand. This year they crammed in so many terrible auditions that viewers rarely saw actual decent singers. When I watched the first performance show last night half of the guys I didn't even recognize and for good reason. Let me go out on a limb right now and say there is no way a guy will win this season. If by some strange miracle that happens in May I will rush right out and buy 20 copies of Kellie Pickler's atrocious album. The guys as a whole are not good and I really don't see many of them improving over the next several weeks. Most of them picked extremely boring songs. I mean it's your first night to really wow America and what do you pick? Richard Marx? You've gotta be kidding me. So here's a few observations from last night.

* If Chris Richardson is the next Justin Timberlake, then I'm the next Stevie Wonder.

* Sanjaya Malakar (or Kumar as I like to call him) reminds me of Michael Jackson but a bit creepier and with less talent.

* If you're getting more attention for your bare feet than your singing, that's not a good thing Paul Kim.

* The two that stood out for their originality were Blake Lewis and Chris Sligh. I'll admit that I haven't yet warmed up to Blake and his annoying beatbox, while I think Chris' personality alone will catapult him into the top 12.

* It was nice knowing you Sundance Head, a name that sounds perfectly suited for a career in porn.

The John and Jessica tour of, um, love? Seriously?

Now I could blog about how great John Mayer was live last night. But I must admit I missed out on about four songs halfway through his set when a certain divorced, former MTV reality star magically appeared behind the sound board. Now I'm nowhere near a Simpson fan, but I was transfixed watching her struggle with the lyrics as she attempted to sing along. After about three songs she was bored and proceeded to play with her hair for the next thirty minutes. Anytime she even remotely glanced in our direction the girl in front of me waved wildly. But alas Jessica was only there to support her man and in no way wanted to take the spotlight off of him (ya right.) I mean what couple doesn't want to spend a Saturday night together in Bloomington, Illinois? I find them to be something of a good match because you can't listen to either of them speak for very long. I doubt their love for linguistics is what brought them together.

Set List

Vultures
Good Love Is On The Way
Why Georgia
I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You)
Clarity
Waiting on the World to Change
The Heart of Life
Bigger Than My Body
I'm Gonna Find Another You
Belief
No Such Thing
Gravity

Encore

Bold As Love
Your Body Is A Wonderland

Neon