Love on four wheels

Last night we went to Wal-Mart to get some items for Ella's birthday party. I was loading groceries into the trunk when an elderly woman and her just as frail husband in a wheelchair passed by. She said to him "Let's head on home where all the magic happens." My sick mind immediately pictured two sharpei puppies with their wrinkled skin hanging off their bodies tangled up together making out. Instead I'm hoping that this "magic" consisted of a Ben Gay rubdown, taking prescription medication together, soaking their dentures in a new glass of Polident, reading the latest issue of AARP Magazine, adjusting each other's hearing aids, or watching Matlock reruns. Here's a magic trick I'd like to see performed. Next time when old people are talking about having sex, make me deaf.

If it makes you happy

I love the summer because it's typically the time of year you find artists criss-crossing the country on tour. This summer I have tickets to shows that I know I will get tons of crap for going to. (I mean how I could I pass up the chance to see Bucky Covington live?) So our summer concert jaunt began last night in Bloomington with Sheryl Crow. I have wanted to see her live for several years now and finally had the opportunity. The worst concerts are those where the act sings almost everything from their new album and only does a few hits. (You listening Madonna?) Luckily that wasn't the case last night. Crow performed all the standards that people plopped down $55 to hear (If It Makes You Happy, All I Wanna Do, The First Cut Is The Deepest). She also did a number of my favorite album cuts that only I seemed to recognize (Hard To Make A Stand, Maybe Angels, Mississippi). You can always identify the people who haven't been to a concert since 1985. A woman behind me almost burst into tears as Crow exited the stage. "But she didn't sing Soak Up The Sun," she wailed. It's called an encore, honey. Two minutes later they swooped back on stage for three more songs, including you guessed it Soak Up The Sun. In short, it was a wonderfully low-key gig that showcased why Sheryl Crow is still a star thirteen years after being named Best New Artist at the Grammys.

Set List

Run Baby Run

Hard To Make A Stand

Maybe Angels
Good Is Good

Letter To God

My Favorite Mistake
The First Cut Is The Deepest

I Know Why

Leaving Las Vegas
Mississippi

Strong Enough
Chances Are

If It Makes You Happy

Riverwide

It Don't Hurt

Always On Your Side

All I Wanna Do
A Change Would Do You Good

Encore

Soak Up The Sun

Everyday Is A Winding Road
Safe and Sound

What a prick

So the last few weeks of this Midwestern summer have been a nuisance to my allergies. (And with that stimulating opening sentence I'd like to say farewell to those who have already zoned out.) Today I went to visit my allergy doctor to see what's going on. She suggested that I take an extensive skin test to see what allergies I'm dealing with. Basically this very technical procedure involves the doctor pricking my back with toothpicks 47 times. Each prick tests for a different allergy and if it causes a reaction that means you have that particular ailment. Within two minutes my back is on fire. Fifteen minutes later the doctor walks in and says "Whoa, I think I need to get my sunglasses." I think that was her ever so comical way of saying that my back was bright red. She states that she has never seen a patient react with this many allergies. The next thing I know she has corralled two nurses, another doctor, and a guy that looks like Steve Sanders from 90210. They all stare down at me, intently studying the lying freak show with the rash they only have ever seen in a medical school textbook. In the end out of the 47 allergies they tested for I have 43 of them. (Try harder next time molds.) So basically I shouldn't mow the lawn, adopt a cat, take up smoking, rake leaves, get stung by a wasp, cut down a tree, take up a career arranging flowers, or jog through a field of poppies. Welcome to the life of a shut-in.

Truth in advertising

This morning I ran through the McDonald's drive-through on my way to summer school. The woman at the window handed me my coffee and said that it was "almost as good as Starbucks." I responded with an unexciting "Oh really?" She stated, "We're not quite there yet but we're working on it." Is this their new slogan? Why are they comparing themselves negatively to other companies? Maybe on my way home I will stop back by to order a Big Mac, which I'm sure they will hype as "the burger that sucks compared to a Whopper."

Milwaukee, the nation's most annoying city

Why is it that wherever I go I always get stuck next to the most obnoxious people? Yesterday I journeyed to Miller Park in Milwaukee to watch the Cardinals/Brewers game. Let's just say I won't be making a return trip any time soon. The man sitting in front of me kept spewing forth these obscure Brewers statistics to his two sons. I mean did you know that pitcher Mike Caldwell led the American League in complete games in 1978 with 23? Now I do, and I also know everything I never cared to know about Teddy Higuera, Dave Nilsson, Moose Haas, Geoff Jenkins, and countless other players I've never even heard of. Meanwhile, the guy sitting next to me was diligently keeping track of the game by filling out his scorecard. The problem was that he was so focused on his scorecard that he wasn't keeping track of the game. Whenever he heard the crowd cheer he would lean over to ask what he just missed. I'm thinking about taking up a career in sports journalism after becoming his personal sportscaster for the day.

Wide-eyed

Tonight I drank two cups of coffee at Ethan's birthday party, stopped by Starbucks on the way home, and drank a Coke with our late-night Chinese take-out. So it should come as no surprise that I'm wide awake. I've sat through a terrible SNL repeat with Jack Black, completed a crossword puzzle, read the first two chapters of Anderson Cooper's book, checked my email, scanned the Friday box office report, and glanced at the World Cup scores (not that any of us here in the U.S. even pretend to remotely care. I mean that Argentina/Cote D'Ivoire match was a real nail-biter right? Anyone with me?). So now I'm watching video from Sarah Kelly's industry showcase last night while trying to find on the seating chart where Dad and I are sitting for the Cardinals game tomorrow. Oh ya, we're leaving at 7:00 a.m. to head to Milwaukee. I'm trying to download some CD's to listen to on the way there or I'll get stuck digesting countless classic rock stations. There's only so much Kansas a guy can handle in a four-hour morning drive. Well enough rambling for now as it is time to force myself to go to bed. Good luck tomorrow Croatia. Beat those Brazilians.

Summer vacation

My summer vacation officially began exactly 42 minutes ago. Since then I've come home, put Ella down for a nap, changed into my pajamas, eaten a bag of gummy bears, drank a glass of chocolate milk, and started watching Cinderella Man. Needless to say it doesn't get much more relaxing than this. Now before you start the chorus of how easy teachers have it I will tell you that I start teaching summer school on the 12th and I'm enrolled in SEVEN classes, all online however. So my time off won't consist simply of floating in a swimming pool and drinking pina coladas all day long. I actually have stuff to do. But for today it's all about taking it easy. My apologies to all of you who are reading this while stuck at work. That must suck right about now.

White Chicks was robbed!

This weekend I watched Bravo's four-hour countdown of the 100 funniest movies of all time. For the record Animal House and Caddyshack were the top two, neither of which I have ever seen. After you see Ben Stiller movies pop up six times you tend to question the experts who compiled this list. Plus Ace Ventura and The Wedding Singer both in the top ten? And which person over the age of nine would rank Shrek as the third funniest movie ever? Granted there are comedies that for some reason or another I love that critics and the general public loath. So here I go with my top 25 comedies. Sorry Tom Green, Freddy Got Fingered just missed out.

1. Annie Hall
2. Ferris Beuller's Day Off
3. Swingers
4. When Harry Met Sally
5. Uncle Buck
6. National Lampoon's Vacation
7. Raising Arizona
8. Rushmore
9. Dumb and Dumber
10. Pretty Woman
11. Tommy Boy
12. Some Like It Hot
13. Austin Powers
14. Broadcast News
15. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
16. Good Morning Vietnam
17. Groundhog Day
18. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
19. Napoleon Dynamite
20. Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle
21. Elf
22. Hitch
23. Waking Ned Devine
24. Parenthood
25. Bruce Almighty

An awfully smelly insect

In Science we're doing a unit on insects and today we were talking about butterflies. So the lesson is going along nicely. The students are actually listening and not goofing off for a change. As we move on to discuss the life cycle of a butterfly I simply write the word "butterfly" on the board, or so I thought. As I walk away from the board after jotting down the final letter my students go back to their normal giggling and talking out. Frustrated, I ask them to quiet down when one brave girl raises her hand and says "Mr. Ritchason, I think you made a mistake." She points to the board and I immediately realize I had forgotten two very important letters. Instead of butterfly I had written the ever popular insect known as the butt fly. I'd better be careful to not leave off the first two letters when we discuss the grasshopper next week.

Something you don't see every day

So Ella and I were just sitting on the front porch after a stroller ride around the neighborhood. Out of the corner of my eye I notice a junior high age girl across the street on a unicycle. The best part was that she was arguing with herself. "No you don't like me because I don't have pretty hair like Becca. I hate her!" When she discovered that both Ella and I were staring at her transfixed the girl jumped off and reached into her Full House backpack. She whips out a flip phone, opens it up, and immediately begins yelling into it as though she just received a frantic call from Homeland Security. In her best Jack Bauer voice she bellows "We don't have time for this! It can't wait any longer! Something has to be done!" She snapped the phone shut in fury and threw it back into the knapsack with a picture of Candace Cameron. Before heading off she pulled a Twizzler from her pocket, popped it into her mouth, and contined on her journey. Anyway, I've gotta go because Ella just cleared a shelf of about 25 CD's which are now scattered on the floor. If she destroys my 98 Degrees albums I'll be irate.