Truth in advertising

This morning I ran through the McDonald's drive-through on my way to summer school. The woman at the window handed me my coffee and said that it was "almost as good as Starbucks." I responded with an unexciting "Oh really?" She stated, "We're not quite there yet but we're working on it." Is this their new slogan? Why are they comparing themselves negatively to other companies? Maybe on my way home I will stop back by to order a Big Mac, which I'm sure they will hype as "the burger that sucks compared to a Whopper."

Milwaukee, the nation's most annoying city

Why is it that wherever I go I always get stuck next to the most obnoxious people? Yesterday I journeyed to Miller Park in Milwaukee to watch the Cardinals/Brewers game. Let's just say I won't be making a return trip any time soon. The man sitting in front of me kept spewing forth these obscure Brewers statistics to his two sons. I mean did you know that pitcher Mike Caldwell led the American League in complete games in 1978 with 23? Now I do, and I also know everything I never cared to know about Teddy Higuera, Dave Nilsson, Moose Haas, Geoff Jenkins, and countless other players I've never even heard of. Meanwhile, the guy sitting next to me was diligently keeping track of the game by filling out his scorecard. The problem was that he was so focused on his scorecard that he wasn't keeping track of the game. Whenever he heard the crowd cheer he would lean over to ask what he just missed. I'm thinking about taking up a career in sports journalism after becoming his personal sportscaster for the day.

Wide-eyed

Tonight I drank two cups of coffee at Ethan's birthday party, stopped by Starbucks on the way home, and drank a Coke with our late-night Chinese take-out. So it should come as no surprise that I'm wide awake. I've sat through a terrible SNL repeat with Jack Black, completed a crossword puzzle, read the first two chapters of Anderson Cooper's book, checked my email, scanned the Friday box office report, and glanced at the World Cup scores (not that any of us here in the U.S. even pretend to remotely care. I mean that Argentina/Cote D'Ivoire match was a real nail-biter right? Anyone with me?). So now I'm watching video from Sarah Kelly's industry showcase last night while trying to find on the seating chart where Dad and I are sitting for the Cardinals game tomorrow. Oh ya, we're leaving at 7:00 a.m. to head to Milwaukee. I'm trying to download some CD's to listen to on the way there or I'll get stuck digesting countless classic rock stations. There's only so much Kansas a guy can handle in a four-hour morning drive. Well enough rambling for now as it is time to force myself to go to bed. Good luck tomorrow Croatia. Beat those Brazilians.

Summer vacation

My summer vacation officially began exactly 42 minutes ago. Since then I've come home, put Ella down for a nap, changed into my pajamas, eaten a bag of gummy bears, drank a glass of chocolate milk, and started watching Cinderella Man. Needless to say it doesn't get much more relaxing than this. Now before you start the chorus of how easy teachers have it I will tell you that I start teaching summer school on the 12th and I'm enrolled in SEVEN classes, all online however. So my time off won't consist simply of floating in a swimming pool and drinking pina coladas all day long. I actually have stuff to do. But for today it's all about taking it easy. My apologies to all of you who are reading this while stuck at work. That must suck right about now.

White Chicks was robbed!

This weekend I watched Bravo's four-hour countdown of the 100 funniest movies of all time. For the record Animal House and Caddyshack were the top two, neither of which I have ever seen. After you see Ben Stiller movies pop up six times you tend to question the experts who compiled this list. Plus Ace Ventura and The Wedding Singer both in the top ten? And which person over the age of nine would rank Shrek as the third funniest movie ever? Granted there are comedies that for some reason or another I love that critics and the general public loath. So here I go with my top 25 comedies. Sorry Tom Green, Freddy Got Fingered just missed out.

1. Annie Hall
2. Ferris Beuller's Day Off
3. Swingers
4. When Harry Met Sally
5. Uncle Buck
6. National Lampoon's Vacation
7. Raising Arizona
8. Rushmore
9. Dumb and Dumber
10. Pretty Woman
11. Tommy Boy
12. Some Like It Hot
13. Austin Powers
14. Broadcast News
15. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
16. Good Morning Vietnam
17. Groundhog Day
18. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
19. Napoleon Dynamite
20. Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle
21. Elf
22. Hitch
23. Waking Ned Devine
24. Parenthood
25. Bruce Almighty

An awfully smelly insect

In Science we're doing a unit on insects and today we were talking about butterflies. So the lesson is going along nicely. The students are actually listening and not goofing off for a change. As we move on to discuss the life cycle of a butterfly I simply write the word "butterfly" on the board, or so I thought. As I walk away from the board after jotting down the final letter my students go back to their normal giggling and talking out. Frustrated, I ask them to quiet down when one brave girl raises her hand and says "Mr. Ritchason, I think you made a mistake." She points to the board and I immediately realize I had forgotten two very important letters. Instead of butterfly I had written the ever popular insect known as the butt fly. I'd better be careful to not leave off the first two letters when we discuss the grasshopper next week.

Something you don't see every day

So Ella and I were just sitting on the front porch after a stroller ride around the neighborhood. Out of the corner of my eye I notice a junior high age girl across the street on a unicycle. The best part was that she was arguing with herself. "No you don't like me because I don't have pretty hair like Becca. I hate her!" When she discovered that both Ella and I were staring at her transfixed the girl jumped off and reached into her Full House backpack. She whips out a flip phone, opens it up, and immediately begins yelling into it as though she just received a frantic call from Homeland Security. In her best Jack Bauer voice she bellows "We don't have time for this! It can't wait any longer! Something has to be done!" She snapped the phone shut in fury and threw it back into the knapsack with a picture of Candace Cameron. Before heading off she pulled a Twizzler from her pocket, popped it into her mouth, and contined on her journey. Anyway, I've gotta go because Ella just cleared a shelf of about 25 CD's which are now scattered on the floor. If she destroys my 98 Degrees albums I'll be irate.

Good luck

This morning a boy in my class walked up to my desk and said "Hey Mr. Ritchason, smell this" as he pushed a dirty key chain 2 inches from my nose. Refusing to take him up on his offer I pulled my head away instinctively. He said "My grandma gave this to me. It used to be her good luck charm." Realizing what a sweet momento it was I reached for it and saw that it was a promotional item for a casino in Mississippi. "She used to have her car keys on it until one day she crashed her car into a barn and totalled her car." Guess it didn't bring as much good luck as she would have hoped.

Letter from a rocket scientist

So this morning a girl in my class hands me a note from her mom. It read.....

"Mr. R - I have concerns about Vicki learning that Pluto is classified as a planet. In the last few years scientists have actually kicked it out of the planet club because its pattern of rotation is not the same as the rest of the planets in the solar system. Plus the scientists believe it is actually a broken piece of a larger planet like the moon is possibly a broken piece of the earth. It is hard to help her when what she is being taught is not what I learn in my GED class."

I mean c'mon already. I was kicked out of the Latin Club in high school and I never fully got over it. I can't imagine the insecurity issues that Pluto is nursing after being kicked out of the ultra exclusive Planet Club. Screw my Masters degree. Maybe I need to go back and get schooled for my GED.

The greatest invention of all time

Two weeks ago a man dropped by our house and changed my world forever. Now before your mind conjures up some bizarre Brokeback sequel I'll let you know that my excitement was over the cable guy. I finally jumped on the Tivo bandwagon and haven't left the house since. FX ran a Prison Break marathon and now I'm hooked. (I dare you to find a better two hour block of television than Fox's Monday night lineup of Prison Break and 24.) I love the ability to instantly rewind a live program and relive Katharine McPhee's frightened expression as she makes her way down to the bottom three. I haven't missed a single one of Rachael Ray's fifty-two different Food Network programs. I've been able to catch up on movies that I've put off for years (Wall Street, Backbeat, A Knight's Tale). I mean I'm even Tivo'ing things that I normally would channel surf right past (Brendan Fraser hosting a 2001 episode of SNL). There's no better feeling than falling asleep on the couch and not having to worry that you missed yet another side-splitting episode of The George Lopez Show.