Oscars by the minute

7:02 The first of many Brokeback jokes, but one that is actually funny with former hosts Billy Crystal and Chris Rock in a Montana tent, too "busy" to host the show.

7:26 The acceptance speech training video features some of the worst acting by Tom Hanks since The Ladykillers

7:27 During his awful green screen bit Ben Stiller remarking that the technology was blowing Spielberg's mind before cutting to a shot of the director in the audience mouthing "No it's not." C'mon Spielberg, lighten up. I sat through two of your less than stellar movies last year neither of which blew my mind.

7:34 As Dolly Parton sang Rachel commented "that song is crap." I guess I'll reconsider that summer vacation to Dollywood.

7:38 Dolly finishes and a shot of Felicity Huffman crying fills the screen. Is it because she was so moved by the performance or because the song was in fact crap?

7:47 Now Rachel is an intelligent woman but sometimes she says some less than scholarly things. For instance, Chicken Little was presenting the award for Best Animated Short Film. After the winner is announced she is taken aback when the trophy girl presents the Oscar and not Chicken Little himself. She thought it was a man in a costume. You gotta love her.

8:01 The winners of the Best Makeup award are announced and the Oscar should be revoked as the woman's pimples/herpes fill the screen as she's thanking her parents.

8:19 I've always found Terrence Howard to be of questionable sexuality but the diamond broche on his lapel seals the deal.

8:22 Tell the French to leave the stuffed penguins at home next time.

9:17 Three 6 Mafia take the stage to perform "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp," a song that originally was written for The Sound of Music.

9:30 George Clooney takes the stage and tells everyone to sit down. The problem is no one was standing up to begin with.

9:31 Why is the In Memoriam piece always a popularity contest to see who can get the most applause? The people are all dead. Sorry Ernest Lehman but you lost to Richard Pryor.

10:07 Note to future Best Director winners: If you win don't utter the most overused line from your film ala Ang Lee ("I don't know how to quit you") and James Cameron ("I'm the king of the world"). No one laughs. It just makes you look like a schmuck.

10:23 Crash wins Best Picture and gives hope to the fact that we'll be lucky enough to see Ludacris in another movie.