My ears are bleeding

This morning I went to do my civic duty and gave blood. One of the nursing homes in town was sponsoring the blood drive. As soon as I stepped foot inside the building I was almost overtaken by a smell that I can only explain as a cross between death and diarrhea. I checked in at the front desk and a woman with an unnaturally orange tan handed me a binder of information. I thumbed through the pages to make sure I was a suitable donor. I can't say that I have ever had a bovine injection from a cow. I am not currently being treated for herpes. And no I have never traded drugs for sex (although I have tried unsuccessfully on a few occasions). Satisfied that I was alright to proceed, the talking carrot told me to take a seat and wait for my name to be called.

I picked a chair and took in my surroundings. There were three men and four women, all elderly and in wheelchairs, just hanging out. I popped in my headphones and started listening to my iPod. Seven seconds into "Shake Ya Tailfeather" I felt a tug on left sleeve. I looked over to find one of the men. He asked me "Is the Red Cross sponsoring this?" I responded "Ya, I think so" and pointed to the wall directly in front of us. Hanging there was a massive banner that read "The American Red Cross thanks Pekin for all of your donations of blood today." Seeming satisfied the man wheeled away.

A few minutes later as Nelly and Diddy were fading away, I watched a different man head over. He parked his wheelchair right beside me and said "I had my first heart attack in 1972." Oh man, not one of these old guys, I thought to myself. But not wanting to be rude I acted interested and said a brief "Oh ya?" He told me all about his doctor, his surgeries, and his diet, which led him to ask "So how long have you been wearing your heart monitor?" When I told him I didn't have one he pointed to my headphones. All this time he thought I had on a heart monitor. Now I'm not a doctor but the last time I read Physicians Monthly there was no mention of a heart monitor on the market that connected to your ears. Not really caring that he had been confused, he kept talking about his angioplasty and how the doctor lost two balloons inside his heart. Is he serious or has he become one of the oldest viewers of Grey's Anatomy? Thankfully an orderly came by and told him that it was time for his monthly haircut. We said our goodbyes and off he went.

I retreated to my iPod and scrolled up to Coldplay. Halfway through "The Scientist" I noticed one of the ladies staring at me. I gave her a brief smile and quietly prayed that she wouldn't take my gesture as an invite. No such luck. She slowly raised herself out of her wheelchair and hobbled over. I hit the pause button for the third time just as she unsteadily sat down. She said "Oh my, you look just like that man from CNN." Before I could ask whether she meant Larry King or Anderson Cooper, the nurse called my name. We said our farewells and I vanished. In hindsight, the weird thing is that the actual process of giving blood was less painful than waiting to donate.