S.O.B. (Save Our Balls)

Today was one of those days that played out liked a juvenile Mike Myers script full of fart jokes (i.e. The Love Guru). I don’t know what was going on during recess, but they might want to rethink some of the activities given the injuries today. One of my students came in from recess walking like a bow-legged duck, which can only mean one of two things. Either he crapped himself or he got hit in the privates. This was confirmed when he came in and said “Mr. Ritchason, I got hit in the penis with a football.” If only he was as articulate in his weekly writing assignments. “Could you hold some ice on it for me?” I explained that I would get some for him, but he would be the one actually holding it on there himself.

Not even 45 seconds later another boy came hobbling in. “What happened to you?” I asked. Despite the conversation I had just a minute earlier, his response still caught me off guard. “I hurt my wiener,” he sputtered. I asked him if he too was playing football. He shook his head and said that he was playing tag instead and ran into a wall. I can see how that could injure your head or your arm but not your privates. All I could picture was him running back arched and his crotch sticking out leading the rest of his body. What a look. He added that he thought he had cut it on a brick because it felt like it was bleeding. End of the story, thank you. That was all I needed to hear so I sent them both down to the nurse together with a note that read “Ask them to show you where it hurts.”

As if the day couldn’t get any stranger, I was walking down the hall during lunch with Rachel and Sarah who had come to visit me. As a group of first graders were walking down the other side of the hall a little boy who I had never seen before just stopped to tell me “Mr. Ritchason, I hurt my nuts at recess.” Did I mistakenly add this to my resume? Creates engaging, standards-based lesson plans. Utilizes technology in instruction. Diagnoses testicular ailments.