Snacks and such

My dad and stepmom have been babysitting for us this summer on Tuesday mornings while I’ve been at summer school and Rach is at work. It’s always a mixed bag with my stepmom because you never know what she’s going to say or do. It’s like watching an M. Night Shyamalan movie. You know something out of the ordinary is going to happen, you just don’t know what it’s going to be. Today when Rach was leaving for work she told Ella that she was going to put on “Toy Story” for her and Liam to watch. Well my stepmom nixed the idea because quite simply she doesn’t like that movie as she told Rachel. Okay, well when the third hour of Barney is causing you to wrap your mouth around the barrel of a gun don’t say we weren’t trying to help you out.

When I returned home just before noon I found Liam crying as he was getting his diaper changed. Immediately my stepmom told me that he hit his head hard on the back of our couch. I don’t get too worked up about things like this because both Liam and Ella have had their share of bumps and bruises. It’s part of growing up and neither of them stand much of a chance with their ungraceful parents. (Yes, I did slip and fall all the way down the stairs the other morning. And yes, Rachel laughed hysterically.) She added that he could barely walk as though he was drifting in and out of consciousness like a wounded Tom Cruise in “Born on the Fourth of July.” I told him it was lunch time and he came sprinting like a Nigerian track star on steroids. Needless to say, Liam doesn’t have to give up his dream of being a successful leg model one day.

Whenever they babysit my dad and stepmom bring snacks for the kids. However, it’s never the typical fruit snacks or animal crackers. Instead it’s always one of two things: Chex mix or nacho cheese Gripz. Now mind you it can’t be the original Chex mix that your grandma makes every holiday. Rather it’s the bold-flavored Chex mix that you buy in the bag at the store. When I get home and kiss the kids it literally almost makes me faint. Their breath smells like they’ve eaten a charbroiled raccoon that’s been simultaneously dipped in clam chowder, hot sauce, and raw sewage. I’ve ridden on commuter-packed trains in New Delhi that smell better.

Now if you’ve never had a package of Gripz they’re these small cheese crackers that are about the size of a pea. I’m pretty sure that you’re supposed to eat them but all our kids like to do is play a game with them. Basically the object is to try to scatter them as many places throughout the house as possible and see how many mommy and daddy will step on. Hey International Olympic Committee, I’ve got a new event for you. We end up finding them everywhere, in the cushions of the couch, in the toe of our shoes, in the crisper of the refrigerator, in Liam’s ears. It’s a nightmare because when you step on them it leaves streaks of orange all over the carpet. It looks as though Chester Cheetah has farted cheese dust all over our living room and dining room. I’ve started to refer to them as the turds of Satan.