A crappy encounter

So this is my first blog of the new school year. It's just like old times. We've been back to school for a week and I already have that one boy who will make the year drag on and on. Basically he doesn't listen, can't follow directions, picks his nose, never returns his homework, reads worse than Liam, can't add 5 + 2, and barely knows his own name half of the time. I've been trying to get ahold of mom for the last several days but she doesn't answer the phone, won't return my emails, and apparently can't read the notes I send home. (It must run in the family). To my surprise she was waiting to pick him up today after school. I was excited to see her until I noticed that her t-shirt read "Go f*** yourself." I disregarded the invitation and walked up to her. As I got closer I realized her white sweatpants had chocolate all over the crotch like she was Betty Crocker herself, baking cakes instead of responding to my emails. She must have noticed me glance down because the next words out of her mouth were "I couldn't get back to you because my daughter's been sick and she keeps shitting her pants." I couldn't jump back quick enough as I basically blew off my concerns and said we could talk about them at another time when her pants weren't covered in feces.

It's so over

Last night was the final stop on the old summer concert series. We went to the Illinois State Fair in Springfield to see Daughtry. I can't think of much to write about other than it was blazing hot outside in the grandstand. It got up to 99 degrees yesterday with the heat index well over 100. When I start getting the butt sweat you know it's bad. The concert itself was subpar at best. Daughtry himself seemed to just be going through the motions. Plus he felt the need to keep reminding us of how hot it was. Ya the smelly armpits to the left of me won't let me forget. The show plodded along so much so that I didn't even care he was onstage for only 55 minutes. This is my final trip to the state fair. I don't care if Paul and Ringo reunite for a tour. I'm not going. My idea of a good time is not wringing out your underwear before you hop back in the car.

Set List
Crashed

What I Want

Used To

It's Not Over

Gone

Breakdown

What About Now

Nutshell

Feels Like Tonight

Over You

Encore

Home

There And Back Again

Spending the night with Sanjaya

Last night we headed to Moline to see the American Idols Live tour. It was actually kind of cool because we landed second row tickets on the floor just a few hours before. The revelers around us included a diverse lot. In front us sat two overprotective parents who required their kids to wear fluorescent orange earplugs throughout the entire thing. Um, nerdy. I mean this was Idol not Ozzfest. Further down their row was a girl with her gay guy friend who kept taking pictures of Chris Richardson on his cell phone. Also in the front row was a 60-year Filipino woman who kept dancing seductively to Blake's beats. On one side of us sat a 40-something woman who introduced herself and went ahead and apologized for all of the craziness that was sure to come during the show. She left early with thirty minutes left to go in the show and without throwing Phil her panties. Wow, how wild. To the other side of us sat a group of four including a 20-year old girl who kept bragging about how Blake winked at her. Needless to say, during intermission she called everyone she knew to tell them that she would soon be Mrs. Lewis, while checking with her friends to make sure her hair looked good.

The show this year was one of the best Idol stage shows yet. For several years they did those dreadful group numbers where all ten of them sang together to California Dreamin'. This year they toned down the group dynamics, instead pairing two or three contestants together for various numbers. As much as I hate to admit it the performance of the night for me was Blake. He recorded his beat boxing live on stage and then played it back as the track while he sang She Will Be Loved. It was pretty ingenious as it later morphed into With Or Without You. But then he followed it up with a ten minute lesson on how to beat box and I was right back to hating him again like normal. Let me just tell the people behind the Idol tour to rewind their Tivo and look to see who actually won the contest this year. To my knowledge it wasn't Chris Richardson even though he was on stage more than anyone else the entire night. We saw Jordin for 90 seconds of the first song, for two songs right in the middle, and finally her solo set at the very end.

It was great to see that LaKisha had used some of her newfound wealth to fix the gap in her teeth. Maybe some additional funds need to be spent on breast reduction surgery. Near the end of the show she walked on stage wearing a Kellogg's Corn Pops t-shirt. Those were the two biggest corn pops I've ever seen.

Let me just say upfront that you don't go to an Idol show to see Haley Scarnato sing. That's like going to McDonald's for the romantic ambiance. The girl is known for her legs and nothing else. So imagine my disappointment when song after song she came out wearing jeans. But then the second half rolled around and the strains of Lady Marmalade filled the arena. Up from below the stage came Haley in all her hooker glory. The booty shorts were full on display and all was right with the world once again.

And finally let us not forget the myth, the man, the legend, Sanjaya. Now I've gotta admit that the kid can sing….kinda. He was actually better than the vast majority of his performances on the show. Thankfully he didn't bring any of them back for a second go round. Smart move. Instead he tackled Ike Turner (good) and Michael Jackson (not so good). The real low point was when he lent his vocal ability(?) to Hey Jude and provided the "Na na na na na na na" part of song. Somewhere Paul McCartney is jumping in front of a speeding subway car.

Set List

Everyone: Let's Get It Started

Melinda & LaKisha: Baby Love; Stop In The Name Of Love

Melinda, LaKisha & Chris R: I Heard It Through The Grapevine

Sanjaya & Melinda: Proud Mary

Phil: Blaze of Glory

Chris S & Gina: Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

Haley: When God Fearin' Women Get The Blues

Sanjaya: The Way You Make Me Feel

Chris S: Typical

Gina: Who Knew

Jordin & Chris R: What Hurts The Most

Jordin & Melinda: This Will Be (An Everlasting Love)

Blake: Time of the Season; She Will Be Loved; With Or Without You; You Give Love A Bad Name

Melinda, LaKisha, Gina & Haley: Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy

Phil: America The Beautiful

Blake, Chris R, Chris S, Sanjaya & Phil: Crazy; Hey Jude

Haley, Gina & LaKisha: Lady Marmalade
Blake & Chris R: Ain't No Sunshine; Virtual Insanity; Geek in the Pink; SexyBack
LaKisha: I Will Always Love You
Chris R: This Love

Phil & Gina: It's Your Love

Chris R, Sanjaya & Haley: Life Is A Highway

Melinda: (You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman

Haley, Gina, LaKisha & Melinda: Ain't No Other Man

Jordin: I Who Have Nothing; Heartbreaker; You Were Meant For Me; A Broken Wing; Livin' on a Prayer; This Is My Now

Undiagnosed

We went to the St. Jude telethon Saturday night to present the money that we had raised all year at school. The three boys and I stood under the lights waiting for our cue. Just before it was our time one of the boys looked back at me and whispered "Mr. Ritchason, I think I'm gonna pee my pants" with a serious, deeply concerned look on his face. Well that would be a first for the telethon. Someone urinating on live television while the mayor answers phones in the background. Just then a heavily makeuped Lee Ranson (who is one day away from death) walked up and called me "Mitch." I guess he combined my first name and last name maybe like one of those Hollywood couple nicknames (Brangelina, Tomkat, Locoke). But all was forgiven when he recognized me as a Golden Apple winner. Try getting that shout-out, Forest Whitaker. He asked the same questions we get every year and the boys fumbled over the total which has also become something of an annual tradition. While we were on the air, one of the St. Jude runners stopped to admire Liam lying in his stroller. She smiled, shook her head, and said to Rachel "Well that's what we do this for." To all those who are concerned, Liam is not undergoing chemotherapy. He's just a little bald.