The ultimate weight loss solution

Today Ella and I were on route to meet some friends of ours for lunch at this new pizza place that opened in town. We were at a stoplight when I looked out the window to my right just in time to see a teenage girl vomit all over herself while walking down the sidewalk. She then proceeded to wipe off her mouth with the entire length of her arm, take a swig from her Taco Bell cup, and continue on her journey. A little further down the road I get stuck at another stoplight behind a SUV with a bumper sticker that reads "I Heart Calligraphy." I've never known anyone to have such a passion for writing fancy letters. I mean I can understand a doctor having a deep desire to save lives but c'mon does anyone really love adding curlicues to letters? I think not. When we finally arrive at the restaurant there's a line out the door of Pekin's finest (i.e. a mom with seven kids, missing more teeth than Ella, wearing a Reba McEntire tank top, and sporting cut off shorts with way too much camel toe.) When I finally make it up to the register I realize they don't take credit or debit cards and I have $2 in my wallet. Luckily my friend Jeff and his kids bailed me out. We make our way to a table and I pick up a highchair on the way. As I'm putting Ella in it I realize I smell poop. I instinctively lift her butt to my nose and discover it's not coming from her. I put her in the highchair and as I'm strapping her in I discover the origin of the scent. There is relatively fresh diahrrea all over the safety straps. This is when I almost lose it. I yank Ella out and immediately head to the restroom to hose up down. As I opened the door it smelled about twelve times worse in there. For some reason I looked over at the toilet and saw that someone had loaded it up and the water was almost to the top. So I clean both of us up in about nine seconds flat before I began to lose consciousness. We head to the line for the buffet and proceed to get some pizza, pasta, and cinnamon rolls. (No I don't know why they feature cinnamon rolls at a pizza place.) When we return to our table our highchair had been replaced and after a thorough inspection I found it to be free of feces. I take my first bite of pizza and make the mistake of looking over at the next table. Staring back at me is a pig man, which instantly made me think of that Seinfeld episode. The man's face is all scrunched up and he even had little flopped over ears like a pig. The ironic part is that he was eating ham pizza. I adjust my chair in the other direction just in time to see an elderly women take out her dentures and place them in her glass of water to clean after finishing her meal. I realized that this place was a perfect spot for those people who are trying to lose weight. I mean I barely got through a whole slice of pizza. Looking at a pig man while smelling crap is an ingenious way to curb your appetite.