When saying you don't care isn't enough

So my official first day of school is tomorrow, although we've had Meet the Teacher presentations the last two days. All of my students seem great although the parents just get crazier each year. But my early favorite has to be Robert's mom who arrived fashionably late (i.e. 45 minutes late as I'm getting into my car to head home.) I introduce myself and she tells me that they were running late because the drive-thru at McDonald's was backed up. I didn't dare question this because I looked down to see her t-shirt which read "If I look like I don't care it's because I don't give a sh*t." I don't think even Hemingway could have crafted a more poignant statement.

Getting lucky with Bucky

I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit that I have caught the American Idols Live Tour every year since its inception back in 2001. That means I've suffered through live "performances" by Ejay Day, Carmen Rasmusen, Jasmine Trias, and Scott Savol. So when it was announced that the tour would be coming through Peoria for the first time it was a no brainer that I'd be plunking down $75 a ticket. The thing that I love about the Idol concerts is that you will find people of every age range there from the eight year old girls with their home-made McPheever t-shirts to the seventy-eight year old grandmothers who rocket out of their seats for a chance to dance with Taylor. A lot of kids bring signs that you can tell they spent hours working on even if their favorite Idol wasn't there (sorry Melissa fans). There was actually a forty year old woman with a sign that read "I want to get lucky with Bucky." I can't even begin to imagine the things she has planned for him back at her trailer. Each year it's just a cheesy, fun show and this year was no exception. Here are some observations from last night's show:

* How inappropriate is it for Lisa Tucker to sing "Someone Saved My Life Tonight"? I mean a song that Elton John wrote after contemplating suicide doesn't seem the best match for the rhinestones glued to her

* Elliott has a mouthful of new teeth and maybe even more female fans than either Ace or Chris.

* Mandisa is far more talented than she got the chance to showcase on the show. She should have easily been in the top five.

* Bucky + Kellie + Grease = not a single note in tune

* Chris was the star of the show and still should have won, although Taylor was awesome.

* Due to doctor's restrictions Katharine sang only two songs and unfortunately one of them was the dreaded "Somewhere Over The Rainbow."

Set List

Mandisa: I'm Every Woman; If I Was Your Woman

Mandisa & Ace: I'm Your Angel

Ace: Father Figure; Harder To Breathe

Lisa: Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours; Your Song; Someone Saved My Life Tonight

Lisa & Paris: Waterfalls

Paris: Midnight Train To Georgia; Crazy in Love

Bucky: Superstition; Drift Away

Bucky & Kellie: You're The One That I Want

Kellie: I'm The Only One; Something To Talk About; Walkin' After Midnight

Chris: Whole Lotta Love; Wanted Dead Or Alive; Renegade

Chris & Elliott: Savin' Me

Elliott: Never Too Much; Moody's Mood For Love; Trouble

Ace, Bucky, Chris & Elliott: Patience

Katharine: Black Horse and the Cherry Tree; Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Taylor: Jailhouse Rock, Hollywood Nights, Livin' For The City; Do I Make You Proud; Takin' It To The Streets

Mandisa, Ace, Lisa, Paris, Bucky, Kellie, Chris & Elliott: We Are The Champions

Everyone: Living in America

Human guinea pig

Now I'll do anything for some cash or a free meal. In fact I'd even donate my left arm for one of those new potato bowls at KFC. So a couple weeks ago a friend of ours mentioned this research study where they were testing the tetanus vaccine in adults. You get a shot and come back in a month so they can study the results. Now the real selling point is that they pay you $120 to do this. Naturally I signed myself up. This morning when I went to the office they make you read through a fifteen page packet describing the study and potential side effects. Who cares if I get chronic diahrrea for the next five weeks as long as I get the cash. Without reading all of the fine print I sign away and follow the nurse into an exam room. She takes all of my vitals and I wait for the doctor to come in for my physical. A few minutes later he introduces himself and immediately launches into the exam by saying "Now the most uncomfortable part of this will be when I have to examine your scrotum." Just hearing the word scrotum makes me want to forfeit the money and head home. In no other situation would someone use that term within the first ten seconds of meeting them. I mean a waitress doesn't welcome your scrotum before telling you the daily specials. The teller at the bank doesn't ask you to show your scrotum before you are allowed to make a withdrawal. Well come to find out the doctor was trying to be funny because there was no intrusive exam. He listened to me breathe and and pushed on my stomach a few times. Maybe I can use my $120 to fly out to L.A. to watch Dr. Funnybones next season on Last Comic Standing.

The ultimate weight loss solution

Today Ella and I were on route to meet some friends of ours for lunch at this new pizza place that opened in town. We were at a stoplight when I looked out the window to my right just in time to see a teenage girl vomit all over herself while walking down the sidewalk. She then proceeded to wipe off her mouth with the entire length of her arm, take a swig from her Taco Bell cup, and continue on her journey. A little further down the road I get stuck at another stoplight behind a SUV with a bumper sticker that reads "I Heart Calligraphy." I've never known anyone to have such a passion for writing fancy letters. I mean I can understand a doctor having a deep desire to save lives but c'mon does anyone really love adding curlicues to letters? I think not. When we finally arrive at the restaurant there's a line out the door of Pekin's finest (i.e. a mom with seven kids, missing more teeth than Ella, wearing a Reba McEntire tank top, and sporting cut off shorts with way too much camel toe.) When I finally make it up to the register I realize they don't take credit or debit cards and I have $2 in my wallet. Luckily my friend Jeff and his kids bailed me out. We make our way to a table and I pick up a highchair on the way. As I'm putting Ella in it I realize I smell poop. I instinctively lift her butt to my nose and discover it's not coming from her. I put her in the highchair and as I'm strapping her in I discover the origin of the scent. There is relatively fresh diahrrea all over the safety straps. This is when I almost lose it. I yank Ella out and immediately head to the restroom to hose up down. As I opened the door it smelled about twelve times worse in there. For some reason I looked over at the toilet and saw that someone had loaded it up and the water was almost to the top. So I clean both of us up in about nine seconds flat before I began to lose consciousness. We head to the line for the buffet and proceed to get some pizza, pasta, and cinnamon rolls. (No I don't know why they feature cinnamon rolls at a pizza place.) When we return to our table our highchair had been replaced and after a thorough inspection I found it to be free of feces. I take my first bite of pizza and make the mistake of looking over at the next table. Staring back at me is a pig man, which instantly made me think of that Seinfeld episode. The man's face is all scrunched up and he even had little flopped over ears like a pig. The ironic part is that he was eating ham pizza. I adjust my chair in the other direction just in time to see an elderly women take out her dentures and place them in her glass of water to clean after finishing her meal. I realized that this place was a perfect spot for those people who are trying to lose weight. I mean I barely got through a whole slice of pizza. Looking at a pig man while smelling crap is an ingenious way to curb your appetite.