From Justin To Kelly is only the beginning

As Ella has started to get a bit more mobile, today I spent some time baby-proofing the house. I put latches on the low cabinets, tied up loose cords, and inserted safety plugs into the electrical outlets. As I was bolting the DVD rack to the wall I realized how many crappy movies I have in my collection. Now granted some of them I received free when I bought my first DVD player in 1998 for $700 (Lost in Space, Basic Instinct, Batman and Robin). Yet others I can't blame on anyone else except me. I mean at some point paying $17.98 for Never Been Kissed must have seemed like a good idea. So I've thumbed through some of my more questionable selections and chosen the top ten worst movies that I have actually spent my hard earned money to buy. Now this list could have been much longer but I've trimmed it down. In other words, you got lucky this time Road Trip. So here we go in no particular order:

1. Bounce - My toilet and I have more chemistry than Ben Affleck and Gwyneth Paltrow in this dreadful melodrama.
2. The Big Hit - This Mark Wahlberg action film should have been called The Big Miss, and that terrible pun right there is better than any dialogue youll find in the movie.
3. Meet Joe Black - I still remember this Brad Pitt movie as the first movie I ever fell asleep during in a theater and it was a 3:30 matinee.
4. Loser - I couldnt have come up with a more appropriate title for this Jason Biggs college "comedy."
5. 40 Days and 40 Nights - When the sight of Josh Hartnett's throbbing neck mole is more exciting than Shannyn Sossamon getting off with an orchid you know you have a problem.
6. Bean - Now I love Rowan Atkinson as Mr. Bean in his 25 minute episodes but stretched to 91 minutes and paired with Burt Reynolds the comedy doesn't translate.
7. The Story of Us - Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer star as parents on the verge of a divorce who are so annoying that you can't help but root for them to just go through with it already and let us all be better off.
8. The Man in the Iron Mask - Leonardo DiCaprio followed up Titanic with this piece of crap that is so bad that you wish the old lady would have thrown it overboard instead of the diamond necklace.
9. Bulletproof - This Adam Sandler/Damon Wayons action comedy makes Billy Madison look like Sense and Sensibility.
10. Americas Sweethearts - As much as I love Julia the best part of this movie is when the screen goes dark and the credits begin creeping by.

It does a body good

This afternoon I took my class to the restroom right before heading down to P.E. As the last few students were finishing up one of the Special Ed students walked out of the girls restroom. I made the usual pleasantries by asking "So how has your day been, Randi?," while I sipped on my can of Pepsi. Her response was something I couldn't have predicted. She said "I just said bye bye to my pee pee." I nearly sprayed my soda in my student teacher's face. And just to make sure I knew the full details of her restroom experience she added that it was yellow and smelled like milk. Now I don't know about the rest of you but the last time I drank a glass of milk it didn't smell like urine. Drink up!

P is for....

Twice a week we work on cursive handwriting in our class. I first show the students how to form the letters (exciting I know) and then I ask for words that begin with that letter and write them in cursive on the board. Today we were doing the letter "p" and I asked for contributions from the class. I received the requisite words: piece, pumpkin, popsicle, penguin, proud, etc. After telling the class we only had room on the board for one more word I called on Madison who proceeded to yell out "penis." Instantly I thought that maybe she was mistaken and thought we were working on "v" for Venus. Of course I made the mistake of asking her to repeat the word, and there was no doubt that it was a strong, affirmative "penis." (There's an easy joke there so I'll keep moving along.) Half the class laughed hysterically as though someone let a fart slip out, while the other half cringed in horror with a collective "Ooohhhhhh" as though someone let a fart slip out in the middle of church during John-O's sermon. Needless to say we marched right down to the principal's office hand in hand. She stated that she didn't know that it was an inappropriate word. Rather her dad had been watching a movie last night and had overheard someone on it say that the guy looked like "a penis with a little hat on." Instantly I knew it was from A League of Their Own but that's beside the point. (Great role model, Tom Hanks.) As you can see, there's never a dull moment in third grade.

Exposed

Now working in a building full of women each day might sound desirable to some men. However, when most of those women are menopausal women in their 50's who think a good time is checking out the latest additions to the Cracker Barrel gift shop before returning home in time for the start of a Diagnosis Murder marathon on PAX, it's not that exciting. (Yes I know that I'm a teacher and that I wouldn't allow my students to write a run-on sentence like that, but oh well.) I mean there are some downsides in working with so many women. For instance, if someone happens to smell a fart you instantly are blamed for it. However, one of the bright spots is that I pretty much get the mens restroom to myself. If that doesn't sound like an incredible perk try being in a room all day with 26 eight-year olds. You will retreat anywhere for some private solitude. I mean a perfectly simple Martin Luther King, Jr. art project can turn into a scene from Hostel in 15 seconds flat. Now there isn't a lot of time in the day to be ducking out of the classroom. Because of this I find myself holding in my 4 morning cups of coffee and being uncomfortable all day long. This leads me to yesterday after school. I had held it in for about 5 straight hours so I made a beeline for the restroom right after all of my students had been picked up by their parents. Before going in I checked to make sure the janitor was preoccupied way down the hall and my fellow male colleague was still outside. After putting just one foot over the threshold of the restroom I was unbuttoning my pants. In about 1.3 seconds I was exposed. (And with that comment I've lost about 90% of you.) As I maneuvered past the toilets to the urinals I looked up to see the husband of one of the second grade teachers. He actually smiles and says hello before looking down and realizing that I look like George Michael circa 1998. I cup myself, unsure of who is more embarrassed. He flees in a split second and I suddenly no longer really need to go. I hurriedly collect my belongings from my classroom and race for the exit. Luckily I departed unnoticed but I don't know if I can show my face in front of his wife on Monday morning. Stay tuned....