When a period is only the beginning of the story

Tonight I headed up to Chicago to see Bon Jovi and Daughtry at the United Center. As usual, I got stuck sitting right next to the most annoying person in the building of 18,000 revelers. The woman came in wearing her ragged t-shirt from the Slippery When Wet tour of 1986. I'm sure this article of clothing fit nicely back in the day when she was a perky 25 year old. Now 20 years later it might be time to hang it up. It was fairly obvious from the start that she wasn't wearing a bra as her boobs were hanging lower than Mike Huckabee's chances of becoming our next president. To make matters worse, during the intermission she informed her friend rather loudly that her daughter had gotten her first period and proceeded to discuss the matter in great detail. I was tempted to lean over and ask politely, "Could you please hold off on the menstruation discussion at least until I finish my nachos?" It was brutal. I doubt I'll ever attend another concert where the phrase "sanitary napkin" is thrown around so loosely. Fingers crossed.

Set List
Lost Highway
You Give Love A Bad Name
Raise Your Hands
Runaway
Bounce
I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead
Captain Crash & The Beauty Queen From Mars
Misunderstood
In These Arms
Whole Lot Of Leaving
Born To Be My Baby
We Got It Goin’ On
It’s My Life
Bad Medicine/Shout
Stranger In This Town
(You Want To) Make A Memory
I’ll Be There For You
Till We Ain’t Strangers Anymore
Who Says You Can’t Go Home
Have A Nice Day
Keep The Faith
Livin’ On A Prayer

Encore
Someday I’ll Be Saturday Night
Wanted Dead Or Alive
I Love This Town

Deconstructing Oscar

I don’t like to brag, but I have a good track record of predicting Academy Award winners. I always win the office Oscar pool, although I think this mostly has to do with the fact that the guy who teaches next to me hasn’t been to a movie since Titanic and one of the first grade teachers has wooden apple necklaces older than Ellen Page. This is really the only thing I can reasonably predict. Don’t come to me next month wanting help with your March Madness picks.

BEST PICTURE
Atonement
Juno
Michael Clayton
No Country For Old Men
There Will Be Blood

Should Win: Juno
Will Win: No Country For Old Men

This category and Best Director are the two locks of the night. No one will beat the Coen Brothers in either category. They should have won Best Picture back in 1996 for Fargo, but voters picked The English Patient in one of worst Oscar blunders of all time. You know my allegiance is to Juno, but if Little Miss Sunshine couldn’t do it last year, I doubt Juno can do it this year.

BEST ACTOR
George Clooney, Michael Clayton
Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood
Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd
Tommy Lee Jones, In the Valley of Elah
Viggo Mortensen, Eastern Promises

Should Win: Daniel Day-Lewis
Will Win: Daniel Day-Lewis

I’m cautious to say that Day-Lewis is the hands-down winner. The last time he was heralded as a sure thing he lost in an upset to Adrian Brody. That being said, his competition is weaker this time around. The only person who I would view as a remote threat is George Clooney. However, Daniel Day-Lewis, in my opinion, is the greatest actor out there today and should be rewarded come Oscar night.

BEST ACTRESS
Cate Blanchett, Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Julie Christie, Away From Her
Marion Cotillard, La Vie en Rose
Laura Linney, The Savages
Ellen Page, Juno

Should Win: Ellen Page
Will Win: Julie Christie

This is the first time in several years that this category actually is a contest. Unlike last year when everyone knew Helen Mirren would be crowned, I can see it going three different ways. First, throw out Linney and Blanchett. They have no chance here. Christie won this award all the way back in 1965 and seems to have the edge this year. Her chief competition comes from Cotillard who is really amazing as French singer Edith Piaf. My reservations with her stem from the fact that only one actress from a foreign language film has won this award before. That’s not a good omen. Finally, in the highly unlikely chance that voters want to take the hip route, they might side with Page. However, more than likely they’ll wait to make sure she’s not a one-note, one-good-film performer and reward her later in her career. Thus the conventional wisdom points to Christie.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Casey Affleck, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Javier Bardem, No Country For Old Men
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Charlie Wilson's War
Hal Holbrook, Into the Wild
Tom Wilkinson, Michael Clayton

Should Win: Javier Bardem
Will Win: Javier Bardem

A lot of the time this category rewards veteran actors who have paid their dues (Alan Arkin, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, James Coburn). That would seem to bode well for Holbrook in any other year. This year it’s all about Bardem for his chilling performance as a sociopathic hitman.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Cate Blanchett, I'm Not There
Ruby Dee, American Gangster
Saoirse Ronan, Atonement
Amy Ryan, Gone Baby Gone
Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton

Should Win: Amy Ryan
Will Win: Cate Blanchett

This is the crap shoot of the night. Really I can see any of these actresses winning, with the exception of Ronan. I’m going to stick with Blanchett even though she won this category just three years ago. My gut, however, says that it’s going to be Ryan. If it becomes a lifetime achievement award then Dee has it wrapped up. A part of me thinks that Swinton could be the surprise dark horse winner. So basically I’m copping out and just hedging my bets.

BEST DIRECTOR
Paul Thomas Anderson, There Will Be Blood
Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country For Old Men
Tony Gilroy, Michael Clayton
Jason Reitman, Juno
Julian Schnabel, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

Should Win: Joel and Ethan Coen
Will Win: Joel and Ethan Coen

The Coen brothers are at the top of their game right now. No else comes close in this category.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Brad Bird, Ratatouille
Diablo Cody, Juno
Tony Gilroy, Michael Clayton
Tamara Jenkins, The Savages
Nancy Oliver, Lars and the Real Girl

Should Win: Diablo Cody
Will Win: Diablo Cody

The rest of the nominees wrote really intelligent scripts, but Cody’s shines the brightest. Not bad for a 29-year old former stripper.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Paul Thomas Anderson, There Will Be Blood
Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, No Country For Old Men
Christopher Hampton, Atonement
Ronald Harwood, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Sarah Polley, Away From Her

Should Win: Joel and Ethan Coen
Will Win: Joel and Ethan Coen

In all likelihood this will complete the Coen brothers’ trifecta. (In fact, they could even win a fourth award for Best Editing under their pseudonym Roderick Jaynes). The Coens’ screenplay is probably the most faithful adaptation to the original material and should make author Cormac McCarthy proud.

The scholar

Tonight I was looking through the new People magazine that Letty left over here after babysitting today. Ella climbed up on the couch to sit next to me and began flipping through the pages. There was an ad for Barbara Walters' Oscar night special. She pointed to it and said "There's Barbara. No Whoopi." Alright, the kid has watched "The View" a few times. As we continued looking through it, she kept asking me the names of everyone in the photos. It became like a who's who of Hollywood. "Well that's Matthew McConaughey" or "Her name's Amy Winehouse." I mean these are the things that all 2 year olds need to know. On another page she pointed to a picture and said "She cuckoo." I looked down and saw that her finger was on Britney Spears' head. "Her cuckoo, daddy?" she asked. You have no idea Ella.

Return to sender

This morning I opened my school email and had two messages waiting for me. The first was from a student who I had two years ago. I really like hearing from old students to see who their teacher is, what they're into now, and to hear that I'm still their favorite teacher.

hi mr. ritchason! this is allyssa sorrells. i am now in 5th grade. i was wondering how you, your wife, and ella are doing. i also heard you had a new baby and was wondering three things:

1. what you named it

2. if its a boy or girl

3. how old it is

I didn't wish you a happy new year yet so i thought now is better than never. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and also happy valentines day a few days late! i hope you still love american idol. every time i see it it reminds me of you.i got mr.hoffman last year and mrs.heaton this year. I also have a student teacher just like miss.graham her name is miss.hilst. oh by the way have you heard from miss.graham i heard a rumor that she died and didn't know if it was true. i hope it isn't and that she has a family.

yours truly,

allyssa

Never fear, I've emailed my former student teacher up in one of the Chicago suburbs to make sure she is still alive. Come to think of it I haven't heard from her since November. Drew Peterson strikes again. Maybe he also made the capital letters in Allyssa's email disappear too.

The second was from our school's literacy assistant, an older lady that resembles Skeletor from the old He Man cartoons I watched religiously as a kid every Saturday morning. My students hate going with her every day and this should provide some insight into their reasons why.

FYI: This morning I asked Tony to stay after I sent the kids back for dismissal. I told him I needed to talk to him privately for just a minute. When they left, I said, "This is about hygiene. You have a smell. You must be very careful to wipe well. If you think you have gas but you are afraid it might be more, ask to go to the restroom. Teachers always let you go if you need to." That's pretty much it. The odor has occurred several times lately, and I just felt I had to say something short & to the point.

Wow, she has such a way with words. Her descriptive prose allows me to almost smell the turd in his underwear.

Life with Ella

Needless to say that having two children under the age of three makes our household a bit chaotic at times. But to be honest, I'm not sure Rach and I would have it any other way. Life with Ella right now is especially exciting/exhausting.

* For the past month or so we've really been hitting the potty training hard and she's done really well. Each time she actually does go on the toilet we make a big deal about it, cheering and telling her how proud we are of her for being such a big girl. Now whenever Rachel or I have to use the bathroom she charges right in behind us. She'll stand there the entire time just taking it all in. I feel like I should make some popcorn so she has something to snack on for the featured presentation. When we finish she has to confirm what actually just took place. "You poopied Daddy?" to which I acknowledge. A look of excitement envelopes her face as she reaches up and exclaims "I'm so proud of you!"

* Each night we put on her pajamas and a Pull Up before tucking her into bed and saying her prayers. Until recently when we'd check on her before going to bed ourselves, she'd basically be in the same position, minus the multitude of blankets she had kicked off and with her face plastered against one of her numerous baby dolls. Well now weren't those the good ol' days. Now when we go in we never know what we might stumble upon. See she now has this thing about going through her drawers after we leave and putting on a brand new outfit. Sometimes it's a completely different set of pajamas or a shirt with mismatched pants that even someone colorblind wouldn't attempt. It's almost like a game trying to guess what she'll be wearing when we walk in. I halfway expect one day for her to be wearing a Chuck E. Cheese costume, a Borat swimsuit, or a full suit of armor. Lately the most popular outfit has been simply nothing at all. We'll walk in to see her sprawled out on the bed, bare butt staring back at us. She doesn't realize that this isn't a beach in the south of France.

* She loves going to church because she gets to see Granddad. In fact two weeks ago in the nursery she got upset when they cut the video feed of the service to watch a VeggieTales DVD. They ended up transferring her to the nursery across the hall so she wouldn't miss a moment of his sermon and could hang on his every word. This past week was baptism Sunday which was a big deal for Ella. She kept saying how she wanted Granddad to lay her in the water. Later on she pointed at the tank and said that Granddad was swimming with Jesus. What can I say? She's a scholar.

Gross anatomy

Today I was listening to a small group of students read a book about whales. As one of the boys was reading, I instantly realized he had misread something from the section about how whales breathe. Instead of relating facts about a whale's blowhole, he read "They breathe through a butthole on the top of their head." Maybe we should have spent a little more time on the section about a whale's anatomy.

Disappearing act

This morning a boy walked into class with his nose the color of Rudolph's. A wind chill of -15 has that effect on your extremities. I guess that story we read about Harry Houdini had a profound impact on him because I heard him whisper to the boy sitting next to him "It's so cold outside that my balls have disappeared."

Loose

Yesterday one of my students was absent. She returned this morning along with a note that read:

"Please excuse ________ from school yesterday. She was at home suffering from loose stools. We have cleaned her up and she should be OK for school today. Call me if she gets sick again."

A simple "________ was sick yesterday. If she starts to feel ill again please let me know." would have been sufficient. I really don't need all of the details about the great toilet bowl massacre of 2008.

Smut

Last night Rach and I went to a wedding at church. At the reception we sat next to John and Letty and our friends Matt and Mindy. After a while talk turned to reality shows and Rachel admitted that she really got into this last cycle of The Bachelor. In the midst of the conversation our table was dismissed to go through the buffet line. As we were waiting our turn to grab plates and silverware Letty stated that The Bachelor was smut and a truly trashy show. Without missing a beat a man in front of us turned around and said "My daughter was on The Bachelor two years ago. She was one of the bachelorettes." At that point I had to look away because the expression on Letty's face was priceless and I was near the tipping point of unleashing the seal laugh. When we got back to the table I asked her if she needed help removing the foot from her mouth.

The return of the Christmas crap

Christmas vacation has arrived which means another class Christmas party has come to a close. As usual the gifts from my students were a mixed bag. Well if I'm being honest they were the worst ever. You know it's bad when your greatest gift is a $10 gift certificate to Taco Bell. Here is the complete list of everything I received:

* 8 tubes of pastel colored icing
* 2 sheets of stickers with half of them missing
* a pair of student-size scissors
* a plate of cookies that were carried to school in the rain and not covered with anything (Mmmm a soggy snickerdoodle!)
* a Shrek the Third popcorn canister (I hate popcorn.)
* 4 used Christmas pencils
* a lotion dispenser containing lotion that smells like Betty White
* a cardinal ornament superglued to a pinecone
* a large letter R magnet the size of Ohio with matching notepad
* a St. Louis Cardinals travel mug
* an already read Goosebumps book with Cheetoh's fingerprints on seemingly every page
* a candleholder with accompanying tealight (This was presented to me by a mother who prefaced the opening of it by saying "Here's your gift. I think your wife will really like it." She didn't.)
* a coconut cut in half with a zipper attached to the middle to open and close it along with a face drawn on it in black marker and a straw hat on the top

Needless to say I could get a box of freshly excreted crap on Tuesday morning and it would probably outrank 80% of the gifts listed above. Merry Christmas!