Thursday, February 15, 2007

Dirty Valentine's Day memories

Today I was getting ready to head home from school as the janitor was cleaning my room. Now she is your quintessential custodian, a rough-looking 40-something skank from the rough side of the tracks. She is one of those people you dread running into so much that if you hear her coming down the hall you quickly pull out your cell phone and begin talking to your imaginary friend. I mean I've had to endure conversations ranging from the cool new movie she rented last weekend (Men in Black) to her daughter's tampon purchasing decisions (cardboard or plastic applicator?). So today as I was leaving I let out a very innocent "Have a good night." A smirk came across her face as she responded "Oooh I did last night" before bursting into a hearty laugh. Without even thinking I let out a quite rude "Ewww" before racing towards the exit doors. It was only by the grace of God that I didn't vomit back up my microwave roast beef dinner from lunch.

Thursday, February 8, 2007

Your fearless Grammys guru

So the Grammy Awards are this Sunday and the nominees as a whole are actually respectable this year (with the exception of the Pussycat Dolls. C'mon, really?). Look for nominees Carrie Underwood, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and the Dixie Chicks to walk away with a couple of awards a piece. My big prediction of the night is that Mary J. Blige breaks the record for the most wins in one night by a female artist. Currently it sits at five wins, tied by Beyonce, Alicia Keys, Norah Jones, and Lauryn Hill. Look for Blige to win six of her eight nominations as the night's biggest nominee. You heard it here first (or I could be eating it come Monday morning).

Album of the Year

Taking The Long Way (Dixie Chicks)
St. Elsewhere (Gnarls Barkley)
Continuum (John Mayer)
Stadium Arcadium (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
FutureSex/LoveSounds (Justin Timberlake)

Will Win: Taking The Long Way
Should Win: Continuum

Each year there's always that one nominee in this category that so glaringly doesn't belong. Can you name a track from Gnarls Barkley's album other than "Crazy"? Ya, I didn't think so. I've gotta give credit to JT for creating probably the coolest album of the group and effectively erasing any memories of that goofy white boy afro (well almost). John Mayer's album is his most well-rounded yet from start to finish. Almost every track is brilliant. The race comes down to a duel between the Chili Peppers and the Chicks. The rock act's career-rejuvenating CD is great but ultimately not strong enough to hold back the Dixie Chicks. The female trio have been to this dance twice before and struck out. I have a feeling the third time will be the charm. While not their overall best album in my opinion, I think Grammy voters will cap off their comeback year with the night's biggest prize.

Record of the Year

Be Without You (Mary J. Blige)
You're Beautiful (James Blunt)
Not Ready To Make Nice (
Dixie Chicks)
Crazy (Gnarls Barkley)
Put Your Records On (Corinne Bailey Rae)

Will Win: Be Without You
Should Win: Put Your Records On

I'll preface this by saying these are good songs but not necessarily the greatest of the last twelve months. I would have preferred the inclusion of Promiscuous, Over My Head (Cable Car), What Hurts The Most, Chasing Cars, Black Horse and the Cherry Tree, or even that love-it or despise-it Sexyback. Out of the five nominated singles, the one that most seems like the biggest of the year is Be Without You. Crazy drives you just what the title says. Is there anyone who still can listen to that over-played James Blunt song? My personal pick would be Corinne Bailey Rae's carefree little ditty, although I'd be happy to see the veteran Blige finally receive some mainstream validation.

Song of the Year (songwriter's award)

Be Without You (Johnta Austin, Mary J. Blige, Bryan-Michael Cox & Jason Perry)
Jesus Take The Wheel (Brett James, Hillary Lindsey & Gordie Sampson)
Not Ready To Make Nice (Martie Maguire, Natalie
Maines, Emily Robison & Dan Wilson)
Put Your Records On (John Beck, Steve Chrisanthou & Corinne Bailey Rae)
You're Beautiful (James Blunt, Amanda Ghost & Sacha Skarbek)

Will Win: Not Ready To Make Nice
Should Win: Not Ready To Make Nice

It used to be that the winners of the Record of the Year and Song of the Year categories always matched up. It worked out that way for a five year stretch from 1996 (Eric Clapton's Change the World) to 2000 (U2's Beautiful Day). But in the last six years the winners have only matched up once (Norah Jones' Don't Know Why in 2002). I'm going to stick with Mary J. for Record of the Year but pick the Dixie Chicks for Song of the Year. It was a song that made no apologies to the legions of country fans they lost. For Chicks, they sure have a massive set of balls.

New Artist of the Year

James Blunt
Chris Brown
Imogen Heap
Corinne Bailey Rae
Carrie Underwood

Will Win: Carrie Underwood
Should Win: Carrie Underwood

The Grammys had been slow to show love to Idol winners until last year when Kelly Clarkson broke through with two big wins. Typically country acts got nominated for this category but wind up empty handed (Sugarland, Gretchen Wilson, Brad Paisley, Dixie Chicks, Shania Twain). The last country artist to win this award was Leann Rimes in 1997, a young blond girl whose debut album exploded on the charts. Sound familiar? That should bode well for Carrie Underwood. The spoiler in this race could be Corinne Bailey Rae, a British ingénue in the same vain of past New Artist winners Norah Jones, Paula Cole, and Tracy Chapman.

Monday, February 5, 2007

An irrate Mark McGwire

Today after school Ella and I headed to Wal-Mart while Rach went to the doctor (6 1/2 weeks to go). After finishing shopping I buckled her into her car seat and she immediately put her head to the side like she was snuggling down for nap. I asked her if she was tired and she lifted up her head before dramatically letting out a sigh and collapsing back into the padded side of her seat. I started laughing and that just encouraged her to keep doing it over and over again. Well as I was getting ready to close the door I heard a loud crash. I looked over and a car in the next aisle had backed into a row of carts that an employee had just corralled in a long line. The guy jumped out his car right away and looked at me and yelled "You think that's f***in' funny f***er?" Before I dared him to try saying that five times fast, I attempted unsuccessfully to explain that I was laughing at my daughter, which he didn't buy. "Just shut the f*** up!" he responded. Now this guy was a rather large gentleman that some (I personally) would refer to as a walking steroid. My 170 pound body (who am I kidding? 160 pound body) knows enough not to mess with him. Instead I knew better to just blog behind his back later. He turned his rage to the 17 year old Wal-Mart worker and I found my chance to hop in the van and screech away. Oh and just for the record I really did think it was f***in' funny.

Thursday, February 1, 2007

New York state of mind

Well we've managed to recover from our long weekend in New York City. Rachel and I had the most amazing time there. I truly loved it there even more than I thought I would.

As we were getting to ready to leave from Peoria early Friday morning the captain came on and said they were having trouble getting one of the thermostats to work properly. So twice he had to turn off the plane completely for several minutes and pray that it would start back up. He kept saying it was like when you had to keep trying to start up an old car on a cold day and hope that it stays on. You know that's not the most reassuring example when the plane is going to be whisking you thousands of feet in the air. Luckily after a 25 minute delay we made it to Chicago in one piece.

We arrived in New York to one of the coldest days on record. It was a frigid 12 degrees when we touched down and it didn't warm up much all weekend. We took a taxi from the airport and the driver asked where we were from. I told him somewhat near Chicago to which he responded "How is New Chicago different from regular Chicago?" Rather than correcting him I just told him it was smaller with nicer houses. We would have gotten to our hotel quicker but he kept pausing to take pictures on his cell phone every time we passed a Muslim temple. I knew we had arrived in the city when we passed a man holding a cardboard sign asking for money for strippers, beer, and drugs.

Our first night there we went to try (unsuccessfully) to get tickets to see Hairspray. While we were waiting outside the theatre a crazy man walked by to tell us "It's a great weekend to be in New York. Look out for the earthquake." He walked a few more steps before saying "Hello everyone." He glanced to a girl in a wheelchair and said "Hello cripple." With a final "Hallelujah, Praise Jesus" he was gone.

Every time you walked down the streets there would be guys handing our fliers for bus tours, Broadway shows, and gentlemen's clubs. The comedy club guys were the worst. When you ignored them or said no thank you they'd try to come back with a not-so-funny line. One night after bypassing nine of them in a row Rachel simply told the guy that it simply wasn't our thing. He responded, "Hey, it's not a fetish. It's just comedy" as he chuckled to himself. If that's as funny as it gets I can see why no one was taking him up on his offer.

We bought tickets for this tour that took you all around the city on a double-decker bus. We froze our butts off. In fact I still have dried snot plastered on my face. We went past one building and the tour guide told us that it was stronger than the World Trade Center. Um, I don't know if you realize this but ultimately the twin towers weren't that strong.

Most Broadway shows have these lotteries where two hours before the show you can put your name in a drawing. If you're one of the names they draw out you can buy two tickets in the front row for $25 a piece. It's a great deal but people come out in droves to try to win. We tried Friday night to win tickets for Wicked and knew we didn't stand a chance. There were 200 people (mostly theater majors: hyperactive, dramatic girls and very gay boys). Undeterred we tried again Saturday night even though there was about the same number of people. Surprisingly my name was the third one drawn out. I probably was one of the highlights of the trip. It really is a great show from beginning to end and it was just unbelievable sitting that close. Rachel commented that now both Ella and Liam have seen the show in utero.

I was on the look-out for celebrities the whole time. Granted we never bumped in Sarah Jessica Parker or Will Smith, but we did spot some minor celebrities. One night the recent rehabilitated Miss USA was out in the middle of Times Square being interview by both Pat O'Brien and Mark Steines. Letterman was on hiatus but we ate lunch at his buddy Rupert's deli right next door. Our hotel was right next to Good Morning America so on Monday morning we headed over to get on tv. Letty said we looked like classis tourist standing behind Diane Sawyer waving into the camera. Poor Rachel couldn't see over anyone and all you could make out was her pink hat. Finally, just as we getting ready to leave we ran into Project Runway judge Nina Garcia on the street.

Heading back to the airport for our return flight home I thought I'd try to save the $55 bucks we used for a taxi when we arrived and take the subway back to the airport. I mean it would only cost us $4. What could be better? It turned into The Amazing Race. We went all the way out to Queens on the subway and then had to catch the bus. However, it required exact change which we didn't have and the driver was pissed so she left us there. By the time the second taxi arrived we had our money ready. We hopped on the bus and looked for a place to slide in our dollars. The new driver told us we either had to have coins on a Metro card. Finally we got on the bus and made it to the airport. When they finally let us board we then got stuck sitting on the runway for two hours, which was brutal. The guy in the row in front of us was the most obnoxious prick. At one point the flight attendant said, "Oh, I think that's the engine starting up." The man's classy response was "No, I think that's your big, long vibrator." I was waiting for the woman to slap him but she didn't.

We finally arrived back into Chicago four hours late and of course our flight to Peoria (the last one of the day) was long gone. Knowing that both of us had to work the next morning we looked at renting a car to drive home but it would be $138. So we found a hotel room to spend the night. However, we didn't have our bags. No toothpaste, no deodorant, no clean clothes. The real kicker was the next morning when I went to hop into the shower we had no hot water.

When we finally landed in Peoria all we wanted was to get our bags and get home to see Ella. As we watched other people get their luggage from the baggage claim ours never arrived. We headed upstairs and waited and waited and waited. No one was in sight. We looked out the window and realized why. Air Force One had just landed and the President had arrived. First he got us stuck in Iraq and now he's held up our bags. C'mon man, I voted for you twice (something that is not popular to admit these days). Just give me our luggage. Once he was secure on the ground our luggage appeared and we headed home with memories of a trip we'll never forget.

Monday, January 8, 2007

My own TRL

One of the things I love about iTunes is that it tracks the songs that I play the most. Sometimes it's an eye opener. Have I really listened to Josh Groban four times? Yikes! So here's my top ten according to iTunes. Plus as an added bonus you don't have to listen to that TRL skank Vanessa Manillo count them down.

  1. Let It Be by The Beatles (23 plays): Naming my favorite Beatles song is like choosing which one of your kids you like the most. It shouldn't be done. But if I have to pick just one it's gotta be McCartney's tribute to his mom. Moving and unforgettable, this song was the beginning of the end for the greatest band of all-time. No one else will ever even come close.

  1. In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel (20 plays): An iconic song from the 80's that makes you love being in love.

  1. From The Inside Out by Hillsong United (17 plays): The desire of my heart wrapped up in a song. Brilliant.

  1. Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters by Elton John (16 plays): My childhood isn't always something I look back on fondly, but the one constant thing I can still remember to this day is my mom's stack of old Elton John records that she would play in the evening. This song was my favorite and when I saw him live for the first time ten years ago he sang this and I bawled like a little girl. Didn't even care.

  1. One by Mary J. Blige (15 plays): When Bono admits that your version of his song is even better than the original that's saying something.

  1. Livin' on a Prayer by Bon Jovi (14 plays): Still to this day I can't let the song pass by without turning it up and singing it at the top of my lungs. Here's to Tommy and Gina.

  1. Daughters by John Mayer/My Little Girl by Tim McGraw (12 plays each): A couple years ago I would have written off both songs as sappy odes that only empty nest fathers could appreciate. Now as a father after listening to them I find myself in the fetal position in a puddle of tears. So pathetic.

  1. Tim McGraw by Taylor Swift (11 plays): Every so often a new artist comes around who knocks you out with their debut single. At only 16 years old Taylor Swift is the real deal.

  1. So Right by Dave Matthews Band (10 plays): Many die-hard Dave fans were put off by the plugged-in sound of the Everyday album, complete with guitar squalls and pounding drums. For a long-time fan like me it stands up as one of their most well-rounded entries, second only to the Crash album.

  1. Not Ready To Make Nice by Dixie Chicks (9 plays): After two years of alienating their fans most bands would come back with a cheerful ditty to try to woo back their hemorrhaging fan base. Not the Chicks. Instead they gave listeners the middle finger and refused to apologize. A ballsy move that paid off with their best album yet. Next month's Grammys will be sure to reward them accordingly.

Friday, January 5, 2007

Paging Dr. King

Yesterday in class we started talking about Martin Luther King, Jr. We talked about segregation and how blacks were discriminated against in the South. Being in Pekin I felt like I had to drive home the point that it's not alright to not like someone because of one aspect of their life, meaning skin color, gender, religion, etc. Following this one boy raised his hand and said, "Hey Mr. Ritchason, remember when I told you my grandpa couldn't come to Grandparents' Day because he was gay?" Um, ya, sure. "Well sometimes my mom and grandma call him a faggot." Great, I can just imagine the notes and emails I'm going to get in the morning from parents. Before I could even move on, another boy shouted out "Well I'm 1/4 black." My student teacher Lizzy commented how out of left field this was because the kid doesn't even know fractions. To be honest he's actually mildly retarded. Oh yes, it's true. Hopefully he had a wonderful Kwanzaa celebration.

Sunday, December 31, 2006

Things I loathe

Any solo Beyonce song

Do it yourself home improvement

Cats

Shoes over $30

Discussions on the war in Iraq

Egg salad sandwiches

The thought of ever having to go back to high school

Slow drivers in the left lane

Heavy metal bands

Drag shows

Putting Ella down for a nap and watching her start to cry

Staying up late

Dishonesty

Paris Hilton

Ticketmaster surcharges

Animals dressed up in clothes

Football

Long drawn-out guitar solos

Paying full price

Dancing

Girls in baseball caps

Ryan Seacrest

Pâté

Raking leaves

Any MTV dating show

Petty arguments

Owen Wilson movies

Apathy

Sore throats

Evanescence

Broken copy machines on Monday mornings

Tomato soup

Junior high students

Credit card debt

Feeling pressured to do something you don't want to do

People who talk on cell phones in restaurants

Hillary Clinton

Deal Or No Deal

Diarrhea

Concession stand prices

Peanut butter and jelly

White trash

Lack of confidence

Makeover shows

Fake people

Car shopping

Misspelled words on advertisements

Tiny gum wrappers

Cold sandwiches

Nascar

Chicago parking deck prices

Jay Leno

Fruit

Stephen King novels

Ice cream sandwiches

Cameron Diaz

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Things I love

Cotton candy

30 Rock

Haribo gummy bears

Date night

Anything credited to Lennon/McCartney

Opening weekend at the movie theater

Award shows

Singing in the car

Reality TV

Live music

Starbucks

Airports

Rachel's constant belief in me

Long showers

Hot wings

Comebacks

Bowling

French toast with A-1 sauce

Roller coasters

Croissants

Sarcasm

My family and their eccentricities

The World Champion St. Louis Cardinals

Crepes

John Mayer lyrics

Fancy hotels

Taking a nap on the beach

London

Jack Bauer

Ella reaching out to be held

Long weekends

Documentaries

Old school Elton John

Steamed clams

The Office

Friends who know you so well and yet still remain your friends

Oprah's book club

Payday

David Letterman

Chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven

Falling asleep on the couch with Rachel until midnight

Entertainment Weekly

Fountain sodas

Watching the garbage man crush all of our trash each Wednesday

The first day of school

The last day of school

My morning quiet time

Nachos supreme

Julia Roberts movies

Lazy, rainy days

A good steak

Barack Obama

Electric blankets

Crispy bacon

Warm summer nights in the car with the windows down and Bon Jovi in the CD player

Thursday, December 28, 2006

29 and counting

Everyone feels the need to keep reminding me that each day I'm inching closer and closer to 30. I don't know if I'm supposed to be bothered by this or not. So far it's no big deal. I mean I'm married, almost a father of two, and have purchased a van now. Ya I get it. My days of sitting at the Lucky Lady making fun of Chi O's are officially over. I can barely make it through the first fifteen minutes of Grey's Anatomy these days before falling asleep. 3:00 a.m. runs to Perkins seem a distant memory.

So imagine my surprise last night as we were checking out at Target. The teenage girl was scanning our items when she stopped midway to ask for my I.D. I looked at her curiously to which she responded "I need to make sure you're old enough to purchase this children's cough syrup" which she held in one hand. I asked her how old one had to be as I handed over my license to which she responded 18. I may be almost three decades old but to this girl I didn't even look old enough to buy a pack of smokes. You've gotta love the youth of America.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

It's the thought that counts?

I complained last week about several of the Christmas gifts given to me by my students. Well yesterday I saw a gift that might be right on par with those. Thankfully the gift wasn't for me this time. Instead my grandparents were forced to come up with some fake gratitude. My uncle's girlfriend handed them a gift bag and they pulled out a box of microwave popcorn. She said to keep looking and they dug through the tissue paper. After a few seconds of searching they came across a baggie full of Sweet and Low packets. The kicker was that she works at Bob Evans and swiped them from the storage room in the back. I guess I can't fault her because it really is a money-saving idea. Next year all of my loved ones are getting Post-It notes and number two pencils that I stole from the school office.