Calm down

Ever since I dared to utter that I hated Rent I have been taken to task by numerous people. Given the flack that I have received you would have thought that I had just announced that I'm starring in my own sex tape with both Paris Hilton and Kid Rock (Why are either of those two "celebrities"?). People have told me that I need to watch it a second time. To those folks I'd like to say I've eaten the Fiesta Ranchera buffet, sat on the toilet the rest of the day, and never went back. One is about as appealing as the other. Some have said that I have a bias against Broadway shows and musical films. Anyone who knows me knows that this is untrue. As gay as it sounds I actually enjoy the theater. I've been lucky enough to see some of the greatest live shows in recent memory (The Phantom of the Opera, Wicked, Miss Saigon, Chicago, Les Miserables, The Lion King, etc.) In addition, one of my favorite films of the last five years is Moulin Rouge. To all of my Rent-heads I'm sorry I've crapped on your most hollowed of institutions. If they ever make a sequel with Julia Roberts, Sarah Jessica Parker, Halle Berry, and Keira Knightley count me in.

Did I miss it?

Last night during a commerical break for Grey's Anatomy I was channel surfing when I came upon the closing ceremonies for the Olympics. The Olympics are already over? Where have I been? I've probably watched a combined thirty minutes of the games over the last two weeks. Basically the only things I know about the events from Torino is that Sasha the skater fell, Rolling Stone cover boy Bode Miller choked, two U.S. speedskaters argued during a press conference, and that red headed snowboarding kid is now making out with Lindsay Lohan. When I was a kid I loved the Winter Olympics. I'd sit in front of my 18 inch television transfixed on my favorite events, skiing, the luge, and yes even curling. I was the only boy in fourth grade that thought that pushing a round object and cleaning off its icy path with a broom was in fact a sport. Now that I'm older the Olympic spirit inside has died. I'd rather play with Ella on the floor and watch the same episode of There and Back for the 43rd time. (As a side note, if Ashley is so broke how does he have enough money to buy 15 dozen roses?)

Skipping out on the rent

By the time Friday night rolls around I am ready to just relax on the couch, play on the floor with Ella, watch a movie on the couch with Rachel and try not to think about my crazy school brood for a couple of days. I usually look for some fun, cheesy escapist flick that I can basically just veg out to. (The 40 Year Old Virgin, Just Like Heaven, Napolean Dynamite, Hitch, Notting Hill, etc.) But last night I made a major misstep and popped in Rent. It seems that everyone but me has seen the stage musical as it's been one of the biggest hits on Broadway and throughout the world for the last ten years. You often see commercials for films that quote some obscure critic saying that a movie "lifts the human spirit." Rent does just the opposite. It is the most depressing piece of crap I have seen since.....well I can't even think of a more downbeat film. The characters in the movie cope with poverty, suicide, AIDS, and other feel-good issues. Now you would think they would all be depressed for two hours and fifteen minutes but you'd be wrong. As long as they can still sing and dance with a transgendered Santa Claus all is right with the world.

The hell that is a waiting room

Now I'm a huge lover of kids (in a non-Michael Jackson sort of way) but one of the worst places I have visited lately is the waiting room of Ella's pediatrician. I'm all for stepping up to the plate to take on my fatherly responsibilities, but I think Rachel knew what she was doing when she made a 6:00 p.m. appointment on a night she was working. After teaching for eight hours followed by another hour and a half of tutoring honestly the last people I want to be around are other people's children. I open the door to the office and it's like a scene out of that god awful Daddy Day Care movie. Kids are running around, knocking over chairs, screaming louder than me at a Paula Abdul concert back in 6th grade. (Sad I know) The place is packed and I finally find a place to sit at the very end of a couch next to the winner of Pekin's trashiest resident contest. Now I have half a butt cheek on the fabric as I take off all of Ella's jackets, blankets, and Arctic expedition gear. The guy looks over at her and says "Well ain't you a pretty one" all nicotine breath and yellow teeth. Before launching into my grammar lesson, I smile back wondering whatever happened to the art of letter writing instead of talking. As I'm trying to get somewhat comfortable with my limited seating I bang my foot on this large table full of train tracks and accidentally topple the whole rainroad line. This 7 year old boy starts sobbing hysterically as I try to apologize again and again. His 21 year old mom responds "Well you could at least help him put it back together." I don't know if this is a pick-up line in the hopes that her son and I will bond before I become his new daddy or what. I simply respond "I kind of have my hands full" as Ella is flirting with our nasty couch mate. Since coming in I've kept my eye on a young boy playing with a doll house with one hand and picking his nose with the other. Before I know it he's at my side trying to hand Ella a Barbie with his less than desirable hand. I take the doll by the hair, thank him, and pretend that my cell phone is vibrating in my pocket. As I'm talking to "Colin" I feel a hand on my back, turn around, and notice that another little boy is trying to crawl up the back of the couch. I continue my imaginary conversation until I hear a sneeze and feel some wetness hit the back of my neck. Instantly I jump up with Ella, gather our belongings, and quarantine ourselves in a corner near a pair of potted plants. From this vantage point I can see all the action. I watch a girl rip out half of the pages of The Very Hungry Caterpillar. A brother and sister fight over a Cheerio they found on the floor. A little boy races around the waiting room doing laps after obviously eating four bowls of Frosted Flakes before coming. And sure enough the little nose picker has his finger in up to his knuckle and is heading our way. Luckily I hear them call Ella's name and I dash faster than an Olympic track and field athlete to get out of this mess. The things we do for our children.

From Justin To Kelly is only the beginning

As Ella has started to get a bit more mobile, today I spent some time baby-proofing the house. I put latches on the low cabinets, tied up loose cords, and inserted safety plugs into the electrical outlets. As I was bolting the DVD rack to the wall I realized how many crappy movies I have in my collection. Now granted some of them I received free when I bought my first DVD player in 1998 for $700 (Lost in Space, Basic Instinct, Batman and Robin). Yet others I can't blame on anyone else except me. I mean at some point paying $17.98 for Never Been Kissed must have seemed like a good idea. So I've thumbed through some of my more questionable selections and chosen the top ten worst movies that I have actually spent my hard earned money to buy. Now this list could have been much longer but I've trimmed it down. In other words, you got lucky this time Road Trip. So here we go in no particular order:

1. Bounce - My toilet and I have more chemistry than Ben Affleck and Gwyneth Paltrow in this dreadful melodrama.
2. The Big Hit - This Mark Wahlberg action film should have been called The Big Miss, and that terrible pun right there is better than any dialogue youll find in the movie.
3. Meet Joe Black - I still remember this Brad Pitt movie as the first movie I ever fell asleep during in a theater and it was a 3:30 matinee.
4. Loser - I couldnt have come up with a more appropriate title for this Jason Biggs college "comedy."
5. 40 Days and 40 Nights - When the sight of Josh Hartnett's throbbing neck mole is more exciting than Shannyn Sossamon getting off with an orchid you know you have a problem.
6. Bean - Now I love Rowan Atkinson as Mr. Bean in his 25 minute episodes but stretched to 91 minutes and paired with Burt Reynolds the comedy doesn't translate.
7. The Story of Us - Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer star as parents on the verge of a divorce who are so annoying that you can't help but root for them to just go through with it already and let us all be better off.
8. The Man in the Iron Mask - Leonardo DiCaprio followed up Titanic with this piece of crap that is so bad that you wish the old lady would have thrown it overboard instead of the diamond necklace.
9. Bulletproof - This Adam Sandler/Damon Wayons action comedy makes Billy Madison look like Sense and Sensibility.
10. Americas Sweethearts - As much as I love Julia the best part of this movie is when the screen goes dark and the credits begin creeping by.

It does a body good

This afternoon I took my class to the restroom right before heading down to P.E. As the last few students were finishing up one of the Special Ed students walked out of the girls restroom. I made the usual pleasantries by asking "So how has your day been, Randi?," while I sipped on my can of Pepsi. Her response was something I couldn't have predicted. She said "I just said bye bye to my pee pee." I nearly sprayed my soda in my student teacher's face. And just to make sure I knew the full details of her restroom experience she added that it was yellow and smelled like milk. Now I don't know about the rest of you but the last time I drank a glass of milk it didn't smell like urine. Drink up!

P is for....

Twice a week we work on cursive handwriting in our class. I first show the students how to form the letters (exciting I know) and then I ask for words that begin with that letter and write them in cursive on the board. Today we were doing the letter "p" and I asked for contributions from the class. I received the requisite words: piece, pumpkin, popsicle, penguin, proud, etc. After telling the class we only had room on the board for one more word I called on Madison who proceeded to yell out "penis." Instantly I thought that maybe she was mistaken and thought we were working on "v" for Venus. Of course I made the mistake of asking her to repeat the word, and there was no doubt that it was a strong, affirmative "penis." (There's an easy joke there so I'll keep moving along.) Half the class laughed hysterically as though someone let a fart slip out, while the other half cringed in horror with a collective "Ooohhhhhh" as though someone let a fart slip out in the middle of church during John-O's sermon. Needless to say we marched right down to the principal's office hand in hand. She stated that she didn't know that it was an inappropriate word. Rather her dad had been watching a movie last night and had overheard someone on it say that the guy looked like "a penis with a little hat on." Instantly I knew it was from A League of Their Own but that's beside the point. (Great role model, Tom Hanks.) As you can see, there's never a dull moment in third grade.

Exposed

Now working in a building full of women each day might sound desirable to some men. However, when most of those women are menopausal women in their 50's who think a good time is checking out the latest additions to the Cracker Barrel gift shop before returning home in time for the start of a Diagnosis Murder marathon on PAX, it's not that exciting. (Yes I know that I'm a teacher and that I wouldn't allow my students to write a run-on sentence like that, but oh well.) I mean there are some downsides in working with so many women. For instance, if someone happens to smell a fart you instantly are blamed for it. However, one of the bright spots is that I pretty much get the mens restroom to myself. If that doesn't sound like an incredible perk try being in a room all day with 26 eight-year olds. You will retreat anywhere for some private solitude. I mean a perfectly simple Martin Luther King, Jr. art project can turn into a scene from Hostel in 15 seconds flat. Now there isn't a lot of time in the day to be ducking out of the classroom. Because of this I find myself holding in my 4 morning cups of coffee and being uncomfortable all day long. This leads me to yesterday after school. I had held it in for about 5 straight hours so I made a beeline for the restroom right after all of my students had been picked up by their parents. Before going in I checked to make sure the janitor was preoccupied way down the hall and my fellow male colleague was still outside. After putting just one foot over the threshold of the restroom I was unbuttoning my pants. In about 1.3 seconds I was exposed. (And with that comment I've lost about 90% of you.) As I maneuvered past the toilets to the urinals I looked up to see the husband of one of the second grade teachers. He actually smiles and says hello before looking down and realizing that I look like George Michael circa 1998. I cup myself, unsure of who is more embarrassed. He flees in a split second and I suddenly no longer really need to go. I hurriedly collect my belongings from my classroom and race for the exit. Luckily I departed unnoticed but I don't know if I can show my face in front of his wife on Monday morning. Stay tuned....